sleepless

So I really should be asleep right now. I have to wake up in about three hours, the sun's up, and I'm just sitting around on my computer, thinking about pasts and futures like I usually do... Something about actually lying down and going to sleep kind of fills me with a huge "but I don't wanna!", and it's been a while since I've written a proper entry. So...

Easter was interesting. After my sleep-deprived week, all I wanted to do was be unconscious for a good twelve or so hours. This disappointed both me and Bunnyman, who was going to go Easter shopping, and when he had trouble motivating me to move my lazy ass out of bed, he left. I was confused and sad, even though it was a little thing, and so spent the rest of the day rather hungry because there was no food in the house, playing Katamari Damacy and running to the door at the slightest indication of a car. I pissed him off because I was sleepy. Dammit. Moodier and moodier every day, someone needs to offer him a job that pays at least 24k a year before we both go crazy. I'm not at the end of my rope by any means; past history has shown that I can handle a hell of a lot more than this in relationships. I don't let things go that easily. But still, I thought the woman was supposed to be the moody and unpredictable one in the relationship. Sheesh. Maybe he should start taking Midol until he finds a job that doesn't make him want to commit arson.

So we have a long talk about religion over many beers and some mindless movies. He was reading my facial expressions amazingly in his drunken state, and asks me what made me give up God. It's true that I used to go to church, and that at some point I stopped going and began to view Christianity as a kind of non-option. When he asked me that, though, I realized I really couldn't pinpoint any real defining moment that made me say, without a doubt, "Well, gee, God sucks." I really don't know. So I've been thinking about it a bit, and the past again. Every once in a while, I get one of those revelation-type memories that I'd forgotten a long time ago, usually something in my childhood, that almost explains something, like the feeling of comfort I get in small, dark spaces. Either that, or it's a little thing, like suddenly remembering the first time I saw a penis (It was on a little Mexican boy, running around Paramus Park in New Jersey, naked as the day he was born with his little sister. I was about 5.) Maybe someday I'll get a flash that explains why, or when, I lost faith. Or that tells me if I ever had any at all.

Perhaps he's taken to task to convert me. To "accept into my HEART the ONE true Lord Jesus CHRIST!" or something like that. I do think he's missing one thing, religion-wise, though. Faith in a God is not a bad thing by any means, but the one thing you need to have faith in above all is yourself. If God wants him to do something, how will he be able to if he doesn't have faith in himself to do it first?

Anyway, enough of that. Religion can be a big off-button for people sometimes. You can see them power down like a robot whenever it's mentioned, voom... I do it myself every once in a while. Voom...

Things are complicated. They will always be complicated. They will never be simple. We, of course, strive to make them simpler. That, in turn, makes other things even more complicated. Is there a balance in complicatedness that has to be maintained? What happens when we try to make things more complicated? What becomes simpler? I'll have to think about this more later.

I need more cigarettes...