that is who I used to be and this is who I am today

Yeah, it's been a while. A little too long to really remember what happened in the interim. That's okay. I'm here now.

Pride week, the first one I've participated in, is interesting. It has the effect of making me feel incredibly involved and accomplished one day, then disconnected and hide-y the next. Usually it takes a few days of being out of the loop for me to really feel uninvolved in the lives of others. Yay for acceleration! No, seriously, I went and got my face painted then ate lunch with Sarah and Mike the Linguist (huzzah for fellow language-nerds), but other than that... I slept through the other events or had class. Not much to report. Except I finally filed my taxes, and am now mourning the death of TeleFile.

I got on a bit of a nostalgic kick, and went and investigated my ancient, first website. The thing's about eight years old now and still floating around on the internet, mostly intact, because Angelfire apparently deletes nothing. It's a time capsule of sorts, or a snapshot, of me in a time where I couldn't really comprehend being me. Judging from it (and a lot of just-as-old forum posts that come up when i search myself, yay Google), I seem to have a long history of disappointing people. Apparently I am very good at it, because it seems to happen when I'm not even trying. This is reflected in everything I do: schoolwork, real work, voluntary work, relationships, personal maintenance, home maintenance... everything. Someone's inevitably saying about me, "Oh, she didn't show up" or "Oh, she didn't do this like she said she was going to". Maybe it's a sign of imaturity, that I need to take on more responsibilities and "step up" to my prescribed role in life? Maybe it's a sign of pathological laziness? I really don't know, and I really need to find a way to fix it. I start to become afraid that I'm disappointing people on a regular basis, especially on the relationship end. Maybe I have too many friends to keep track of, and should try to be more of a loner. Except, that's no fun. At all. I marvel at people who can keep so many things balanced at once, and still have time for things relating to themselves.

Bunnyman, I feel sorry for. I'm starting to think that I'm really disappointing him on the business end of things, and yet I know he loves me, and I love him, but is love always enough? I want to think so, but once again I have this fear that it isn't, and that I push him too far and make him miserable. He won't leave me, I know, but it's more than just not being alone. I care about his well-being, whether he does or not, and I don't want him to be miserable. I certainly don't want to be the cause of it. Life seems to be a perpetual struggle to better yourself to your own standards, and it's kind of odd that you can never be completely satisfied with yourself, always striving internally to be better. Maybe it's just me. I honestly don't know.

Forgive me if I'm insensitive. Believe me, later I'm sensitive to a fault...