time to breathe

I had a lot of time to think this weekend... most of which was spent wrapped in a sheet on the couch dead to the world and having very strange dreams. Sometimes my dreams occur in the same bizarre settings enough that I think those places may really exist somewhere. Like the maze-house with the basement that wants to kill me, and victorian eaves and grand halls all through the upper floors. Or the hotel I wander alone. Or the circus in the town with the mechanical doves and feathers. Dreams, even when they're bad, are nice. The most recent one involved a lot of people I know and some I don't, swimming in a place covered in pools and fountains. There were fish and trees, and I had done something bad.

Bunnyman and I got to talk a lot this weekend, not really about anything important, just talk. I think we figured out why it's always so cold in the older rooms of our house when I mentioned that the bathroom door opened all by itself that afternoon. We talked about ghosts and also about life, childhood, all that. I really don't know what I'd do without a lot of the people in my life. It's a support system I'm not used to, but am incredibly gratetful for. A strange season's passing through now, and even though I would probably never ask for help wading through it, it's a nice feeling that if I were to ask, help would come. Just that can be enough, and I am grateful.

Sometimes you feel like you're made of glass, even though you weren't before, and you don't want anyone to know about this transformation so you continue to heave and haul as normal, but the slightest step could shatter you into a million pieces...and you don't care. You anticipate the crack, you look forward to the day you finally crumble, because maybe whatever comes after will be much more finely honed and well-constructed. And if nothing replaces your glass self, then perhaps it's for the best, because you were a liability with all those chipped edges and sharp points. You look forward to it, regardless.

I keep still and mum, and wait for the sun to rise...