Still doing jobby and schooly-related things here. Had to come and check and see what my professor said about my abysmal paper; apparently two other people in the class were taking incompletes, and I can take more time on my paper if I'd like. That was all she said about it, which likely means that she thought it was just an abysmal an aborted attempt as I did. Yay.
Going to apply for jobs today. This would have been done earlier except for the fact that -someone- keeps deciding to keep me up all night playing Battle for Westnoth on my computer and then wonders why I sleep all day. Yeah, I didn't do much the day before. But you people tire me out and two hours isn't really enough to help me recover from that. The thing about trying to get back into a worky and homey state of mind is that my body stops being able to have nights like that. I crave sleep, and am going to continue craving it until I get back on a normal schedule, dammit.
Our neighboe wants me to come and work for her. 15 hours a week, at 6 bucks an hour. Like hell... If I wanted pay like that, I'd have stuck with Shop n' Save. Plus, she's kinda evil. I don't know if I'd like the knowledge that I'm going to hate my coworkers in advance.
So that's whot. Finding food for now...then workplaces...then Kiddo and sleep. Yes, sleep...
5.26.2005
5.21.2005
paper paper yucky pants
At the parent's, working on the paper of doom. I actually have some pages. Unfortunately, I sort of have until midnight tonight. Not good. If only I wasn't so damned tired and distracted...
Cleaned a fungus forest out of the laundry room last night, and discovered pieces of freshly shed snake skin from a rather large snake. Come to think of it, the dryer hasn't been drying properly for the past several days. Hm. I think if it attempted to eat our rabbit, our rabbit would eat it instead.
She's a very large rabbit.
Living in limbo I think is exausting me. It's hard to combine school with home. And it's hard to work on a paper when you have a 9 year old jumping around, shooting your computer with nerf darts and trying to have strange conversations with you about religion.
I need to not be distracted. I need to not be tired. I need to forget, and I need the job info I got for a 10+ buck an hour job varnishing boards to come through.
But right now I need to work on my paper. I really do love to prolong my misery...
Cleaned a fungus forest out of the laundry room last night, and discovered pieces of freshly shed snake skin from a rather large snake. Come to think of it, the dryer hasn't been drying properly for the past several days. Hm. I think if it attempted to eat our rabbit, our rabbit would eat it instead.
She's a very large rabbit.
Living in limbo I think is exausting me. It's hard to combine school with home. And it's hard to work on a paper when you have a 9 year old jumping around, shooting your computer with nerf darts and trying to have strange conversations with you about religion.
I need to not be distracted. I need to not be tired. I need to forget, and I need the job info I got for a 10+ buck an hour job varnishing boards to come through.
But right now I need to work on my paper. I really do love to prolong my misery...
5.17.2005
shh.
My sister's here, asleep. She has no idea that I'm in the next room, typing and downloading away. Hah. Maybe I should be nice and wake her up before I go. Or not.
We have our good days and our bad days. Bad days are usually the result of one or the other of us being in some kind of funk. The night before last he began to ramble about the usual subjects, and for some reason I just didn't want to listen to him. He annoyed me, and I was more focused on my growing beer buzz and the video game I wanted to play. Yesterday, he ignored me because I wanted to see his tooth. Hm. But the night before that, we had a great night of sitting around and listening to music.
Things move on.
I have decided to go back to Aegis. I hated the place, but I lasted there for a year previously, so I figure I can go back for a few months, especially since they wouldn't have the time to re-credit card train me. The hours are regular and I can have 'em late, and the pay is one of the best temp starting wages in the area. I must be crazy. At least there'll be no more 8 a.m. shifts. I'd have to trade the downers for uppers, and we can't be doing that...
What does it mean when you still have frequent dreams about a person you last saw four years ago? I kind of wish he'd vacate my headspace. Or not.
We have our good days and our bad days. Bad days are usually the result of one or the other of us being in some kind of funk. The night before last he began to ramble about the usual subjects, and for some reason I just didn't want to listen to him. He annoyed me, and I was more focused on my growing beer buzz and the video game I wanted to play. Yesterday, he ignored me because I wanted to see his tooth. Hm. But the night before that, we had a great night of sitting around and listening to music.
Things move on.
I have decided to go back to Aegis. I hated the place, but I lasted there for a year previously, so I figure I can go back for a few months, especially since they wouldn't have the time to re-credit card train me. The hours are regular and I can have 'em late, and the pay is one of the best temp starting wages in the area. I must be crazy. At least there'll be no more 8 a.m. shifts. I'd have to trade the downers for uppers, and we can't be doing that...
What does it mean when you still have frequent dreams about a person you last saw four years ago? I kind of wish he'd vacate my headspace. Or not.
5.14.2005
woo.
Grades were actually really good this semester. Only one B. I don't know how this happened. It may only be encourging me to half-ass my college education, but it's also reinforcing the assumption that I am not capable of failing except under my own lack of motivation. When I was a kid, I would get yelled at because of Bs and Cs. Cs are fine for some people. Just not you, because we know you can do better. Yeah, it's still like that.
Still no job. Need to work on the paper, though. I'd also really like Bunnyman to get a career change by the end of the summer. If everything goes the way it did yesterday, though, I don't think it's going to happen. If I could call people and set up job interviews for him, I would. I just don't think it would put him in a very good light if his girlfriend called up and asked for a job on his behalf.
Eh. Time flies by...
Still no job. Need to work on the paper, though. I'd also really like Bunnyman to get a career change by the end of the summer. If everything goes the way it did yesterday, though, I don't think it's going to happen. If I could call people and set up job interviews for him, I would. I just don't think it would put him in a very good light if his girlfriend called up and asked for a job on his behalf.
Eh. Time flies by...
5.11.2005
syncronicity
That's the last time I rent depressing movies and buy a relatively large quantity of beer at the same time with Bunnyman. I don't want to worry. But I do.
Showered with late mother's day presents last night, the kind you make at school and color with crayon. One of which was a coupon from Kiddo saying she'd clean my dorm room. Another saying she'd love me always. I'll have to hold her to both of those.
Now I need a job. Well, I need to finish that paper by the 21st, and then I need a job. The High Life Lounge is hiring. I might try there if they pay enough, just for a change of pace. It would be interesting and depressing, watching people who can't afford much, going in and spending their entire paychecks on video lottery machines and beer.
Maybe I won't apply there. Hm. Need a job...
Showered with late mother's day presents last night, the kind you make at school and color with crayon. One of which was a coupon from Kiddo saying she'd clean my dorm room. Another saying she'd love me always. I'll have to hold her to both of those.
Now I need a job. Well, I need to finish that paper by the 21st, and then I need a job. The High Life Lounge is hiring. I might try there if they pay enough, just for a change of pace. It would be interesting and depressing, watching people who can't afford much, going in and spending their entire paychecks on video lottery machines and beer.
Maybe I won't apply there. Hm. Need a job...
5.10.2005
and again
Gave the car a little owie today. Fixed it with a screwdriver, sorta. Bunnyman doesn't know yet. Shhh...
I took the heat for a few unpaid bills earlier. Figured it was the least I could do. Still no job yet. It hasn't been that long, but I'm getting a little antsy. Not enough to do 'cept scare the piss out of myself with video games. I hate you, Fatal Frame 2. I hate you so much, I think I'll play some more.
Kiddo is in a gang up in Bridgeport. One of those vicious backcountry suburban ones. She even has a gang name: Dice 90. I found this out yesterday when Bunnyman was driving, looked over at me, and said, "Hey, Kiddo has a gang tattoo." I looked back, and lo and behold, there was a picture of a die above the number ninety drawn on her bicep in ballpoint pen. Apparently the other kids have them, too. Ice 5, 00A (double-a), etc... She's only nine years old.
Kids. Go figure.
Hopefully I will be updating this somewhat regularly. Now, to home, and to snooze until my homegirl-G gets off the bus...
I took the heat for a few unpaid bills earlier. Figured it was the least I could do. Still no job yet. It hasn't been that long, but I'm getting a little antsy. Not enough to do 'cept scare the piss out of myself with video games. I hate you, Fatal Frame 2. I hate you so much, I think I'll play some more.
Kiddo is in a gang up in Bridgeport. One of those vicious backcountry suburban ones. She even has a gang name: Dice 90. I found this out yesterday when Bunnyman was driving, looked over at me, and said, "Hey, Kiddo has a gang tattoo." I looked back, and lo and behold, there was a picture of a die above the number ninety drawn on her bicep in ballpoint pen. Apparently the other kids have them, too. Ice 5, 00A (double-a), etc... She's only nine years old.
Kids. Go figure.
Hopefully I will be updating this somewhat regularly. Now, to home, and to snooze until my homegirl-G gets off the bus...
5.08.2005
this just in
I have snuck into my parents house. Well, actually, they always leave the back door unlicked. Good thing to know.
Summer has started off well. I've fixed most of my problems, and I now own a scooter. Not just any scooter, but a motor scooter. I rode around on it a good bit today and will continue to do so until fall, so that Bunnyman doesn't worry about me getting squished somehow when I bring it to Morgantown. There's even room for a bitch on the back, hurrah!
As redneckiness begins to consume me once more, I'd just like to say that I miss you all.
Summer has started off well. I've fixed most of my problems, and I now own a scooter. Not just any scooter, but a motor scooter. I rode around on it a good bit today and will continue to do so until fall, so that Bunnyman doesn't worry about me getting squished somehow when I bring it to Morgantown. There's even room for a bitch on the back, hurrah!
As redneckiness begins to consume me once more, I'd just like to say that I miss you all.
5.05.2005
physiology
"I love you despite the sex. If it was all about sex, I would have left you a long time ago... ha ha, just kidding..."
No, but it's true. Sex can be fun, but why must everyone be hung up on it? Friendships and commitments are often enough for me without sexual baggage. That's what the gool ol' five-finger shuffle is for. Still, I hope he really was just kidding...
So he'll be here in a few hours to begin carting my stuff away. Yet another move commences, and I'm not done packing yet. Not even started, really. I'm finding it harder and harder to motivate myself to do anything, and instead I hole up in here like a little hermit crab who hasn't changed its shell in a few days.
I suppose the first step is to throw things away. Then to pace and worry. Then on to heavy lifting and whatnot. Hum. Part of me is quite reluctant...
Often I just don't know what to think of myself. And here I am, using up my daily word allotment again. It is time to get motivated and move on, to stop snivelling and shivering and become the warrior I once was. Reminds me of something I wrote once...
self esteem poem
fear me.
I am on fire,
consuming myself,
ashes swept away
only to be delivered again by the wind,
stronger.
I have walked in the footsteps
of angels and giants;
I have touched the hundred-year-old carvings
of a dead poet on an ash tree;
I have strolled medieval streets
where discos shock the concrete with noise.
I am a force with which to reckon.
I am a sun-swept warrior of the tundra,
I plumb the moors and climb ropeless on the rockface;
I cannot be denied.
You must hear what I have to say,
the good, the bad, the ugly,
their eyes turned front and faces slack;
I am static noise!
You can't turn me off, I'll always be there,
lurking between the stations.
----
That was from another time. Anyway, since I can no longer deny the fact that it's Thursday (the sun had been up for a while, so it's no fluke), I'll be leaving tomorrow. If anyone wants my phone number back home, let me know. Otherwise I will be a rather difficult little beast to get a hold of for the next few months. Messages may or may not be checked. You know how it is. But my phone will still, to the best of my knowledge, be active in certain areas.
Now. Off to disinfect. And on with the lifting...
(...and i still haven't finished that paper goddamnshitcockfuckassdamncunt...)
No, but it's true. Sex can be fun, but why must everyone be hung up on it? Friendships and commitments are often enough for me without sexual baggage. That's what the gool ol' five-finger shuffle is for. Still, I hope he really was just kidding...
So he'll be here in a few hours to begin carting my stuff away. Yet another move commences, and I'm not done packing yet. Not even started, really. I'm finding it harder and harder to motivate myself to do anything, and instead I hole up in here like a little hermit crab who hasn't changed its shell in a few days.
I suppose the first step is to throw things away. Then to pace and worry. Then on to heavy lifting and whatnot. Hum. Part of me is quite reluctant...
Often I just don't know what to think of myself. And here I am, using up my daily word allotment again. It is time to get motivated and move on, to stop snivelling and shivering and become the warrior I once was. Reminds me of something I wrote once...
self esteem poem
fear me.
I am on fire,
consuming myself,
ashes swept away
only to be delivered again by the wind,
stronger.
I have walked in the footsteps
of angels and giants;
I have touched the hundred-year-old carvings
of a dead poet on an ash tree;
I have strolled medieval streets
where discos shock the concrete with noise.
I am a force with which to reckon.
I am a sun-swept warrior of the tundra,
I plumb the moors and climb ropeless on the rockface;
I cannot be denied.
You must hear what I have to say,
the good, the bad, the ugly,
their eyes turned front and faces slack;
I am static noise!
You can't turn me off, I'll always be there,
lurking between the stations.
----
That was from another time. Anyway, since I can no longer deny the fact that it's Thursday (the sun had been up for a while, so it's no fluke), I'll be leaving tomorrow. If anyone wants my phone number back home, let me know. Otherwise I will be a rather difficult little beast to get a hold of for the next few months. Messages may or may not be checked. You know how it is. But my phone will still, to the best of my knowledge, be active in certain areas.
Now. Off to disinfect. And on with the lifting...
(...and i still haven't finished that paper goddamnshitcockfuckassdamncunt...)
5.04.2005
loser.
Still no paper yet. I don't know what's wrong with me... Now is excuse-making time. Or I could just tell her the truth, that I'm a loser and can't handle her crazy work. I am ambitious when it comes to ideas, just not necessarily in the follow-through.
Oh well.
Oh well.
5.02.2005
i suck. seriously.
Shit. I've just fucked Bunnyman's expectations up to hell and back again, he's stressed, I'm stressed, and my ueber-sensitivity the past few days hasn't been helping any at all. 3 exams today, a paper Wednesday, trying to get packed and moved out, personal life conflicting with school life...
It's like every time I turn around I find yet another example that I'm not what I want to be, nor what I pretend to be, and I'm not looking for consolation and a pat on the back, I know I am awful to people in my eager-to-please and not-coming-through ways, my constant idiocy and my lack of any sort of tact or knowledge of what's going at all times in my own head. I seem to be craving some kind of brutality, wishing that everyone would finally tell me what I really am and to fuck off so I can stop slapping myself in the face with it needlessly. This isn't really mental masturbation or a wonderful example of pouty, angsty self-loathing and whining. I am fucking frustrated (and it's very cold in here) and really want to find a way to fix this. I want to be better, not wallow in this pile of sludge. I just don't know how. I need to accept things like I did once, but so many times I'm called into question and the only answer I have is a big fat blank. I used to be so justified. I don't know what happened.
I'm sitting here tired, shivering, hungry, and crying and I need to study. I needed to vent, though. Vent vent vent... I don't know what's going on. Tonight wasn't a good night, and placation has no place here.
"You're the reason I get up and do it every day..." Yeah, and that's why I feel so shitty when I disappoint you.
Self-negation. I'll go fuck myself and study. Forget about it. It never existed in the first place.
Whine whine whine... It's all my own fault, really, and I'm the only one who can fix it.
In a way, Friday can't come soon enough so I can return to the mundaneness of family life and hopefully stop finding reasons to beat the shit out of myself. In a way, I don't want it to come. Ah, hell...
It's like every time I turn around I find yet another example that I'm not what I want to be, nor what I pretend to be, and I'm not looking for consolation and a pat on the back, I know I am awful to people in my eager-to-please and not-coming-through ways, my constant idiocy and my lack of any sort of tact or knowledge of what's going at all times in my own head. I seem to be craving some kind of brutality, wishing that everyone would finally tell me what I really am and to fuck off so I can stop slapping myself in the face with it needlessly. This isn't really mental masturbation or a wonderful example of pouty, angsty self-loathing and whining. I am fucking frustrated (and it's very cold in here) and really want to find a way to fix this. I want to be better, not wallow in this pile of sludge. I just don't know how. I need to accept things like I did once, but so many times I'm called into question and the only answer I have is a big fat blank. I used to be so justified. I don't know what happened.
I'm sitting here tired, shivering, hungry, and crying and I need to study. I needed to vent, though. Vent vent vent... I don't know what's going on. Tonight wasn't a good night, and placation has no place here.
"You're the reason I get up and do it every day..." Yeah, and that's why I feel so shitty when I disappoint you.
Self-negation. I'll go fuck myself and study. Forget about it. It never existed in the first place.
Whine whine whine... It's all my own fault, really, and I'm the only one who can fix it.
In a way, Friday can't come soon enough so I can return to the mundaneness of family life and hopefully stop finding reasons to beat the shit out of myself. In a way, I don't want it to come. Ah, hell...
5.01.2005
it's whatever you thought before...
Didn't wake up 'till 3 today, with the alarm having been going off for three and a half hours. Apparently the loud cocaine song isn't working anymore. I have found a .wav file of a very annoying, ear-splitting scream. Perhaps that'll work for a while. Or at least it'll get people barging into my room wondering why people keep screaming in terror. This is yet another reason why I shouldn't have a roommate. I really don't think they'd be able to cope very well with my computer repeatedly screaming for hours in the morning...
Such ambition everyone has... except for me, of course. Had a good afternoon and a strange evening/night. (Note that translated into insomniac time afternoon is 5-11 and evening is midnight to 2 or 3...night is anything after that until I go to bed. Heh.) I want to be around people and I don't at the same time. I need to curl up in my hole with an "open" sign hung outside or something. I really don't understand myself sometimes.
There've been some strange personal connundrums rolling around in my head for a while now and I don't really feel like I'm in a position to do anything about them. I seem to have forgotten how to remove myself from boxes. It's almost as if, say, in your formative years, you hop from box to box, trying them out for shape and size. Eventually you find that box that feels "just right" and you jam yourself in so hard that you get stuck, which doesn't matter since it's a good fit. Until you notice, at some point down the road, that your back starts to hurt. Yeah, I know, you shouldn't try to fit yourself into a box, we're constantly redefining ourselves, you should learn to accept yourself, blah blah blah &c. Unfortunately, despite what anyone says, there are some things you have to pigeonhole yourself into for sake of explanation. Just for that sake. It's something I have to figure out on my own.
Maybe these kinds of things wouldn't happen if I didn't confuse myself and everyone around me with distractions, diversions and crypticspeak. It's all fine and dandy to be honest with others, but if you're not honest with yourself... I don't know. Sometimes I think my non-confrontational and generally agreeable ways go a little too far.
I'm confusing myself now. I guess you can read into this whatever you want and it might still be right on some level, considering the fact that I can't bring myself to speak about anything personal on a level below metaphor. Nietzsche said something to the effect that language is nothing but an endless string of metaphors, so I suppose it's appropriate enough.
Suffice to say that something just ain't right. I guess I'll go to bed now. Always the last one up, keeping guard on the rising of the sun...
Maybe.
Such ambition everyone has... except for me, of course. Had a good afternoon and a strange evening/night. (Note that translated into insomniac time afternoon is 5-11 and evening is midnight to 2 or 3...night is anything after that until I go to bed. Heh.) I want to be around people and I don't at the same time. I need to curl up in my hole with an "open" sign hung outside or something. I really don't understand myself sometimes.
There've been some strange personal connundrums rolling around in my head for a while now and I don't really feel like I'm in a position to do anything about them. I seem to have forgotten how to remove myself from boxes. It's almost as if, say, in your formative years, you hop from box to box, trying them out for shape and size. Eventually you find that box that feels "just right" and you jam yourself in so hard that you get stuck, which doesn't matter since it's a good fit. Until you notice, at some point down the road, that your back starts to hurt. Yeah, I know, you shouldn't try to fit yourself into a box, we're constantly redefining ourselves, you should learn to accept yourself, blah blah blah &c. Unfortunately, despite what anyone says, there are some things you have to pigeonhole yourself into for sake of explanation. Just for that sake. It's something I have to figure out on my own.
Maybe these kinds of things wouldn't happen if I didn't confuse myself and everyone around me with distractions, diversions and crypticspeak. It's all fine and dandy to be honest with others, but if you're not honest with yourself... I don't know. Sometimes I think my non-confrontational and generally agreeable ways go a little too far.
I'm confusing myself now. I guess you can read into this whatever you want and it might still be right on some level, considering the fact that I can't bring myself to speak about anything personal on a level below metaphor. Nietzsche said something to the effect that language is nothing but an endless string of metaphors, so I suppose it's appropriate enough.
Suffice to say that something just ain't right. I guess I'll go to bed now. Always the last one up, keeping guard on the rising of the sun...
Maybe.
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