Shit. I've just fucked Bunnyman's expectations up to hell and back again, he's stressed, I'm stressed, and my ueber-sensitivity the past few days hasn't been helping any at all. 3 exams today, a paper Wednesday, trying to get packed and moved out, personal life conflicting with school life...
It's like every time I turn around I find yet another example that I'm not what I want to be, nor what I pretend to be, and I'm not looking for consolation and a pat on the back, I know I am awful to people in my eager-to-please and not-coming-through ways, my constant idiocy and my lack of any sort of tact or knowledge of what's going at all times in my own head. I seem to be craving some kind of brutality, wishing that everyone would finally tell me what I really am and to fuck off so I can stop slapping myself in the face with it needlessly. This isn't really mental masturbation or a wonderful example of pouty, angsty self-loathing and whining. I am fucking frustrated (and it's very cold in here) and really want to find a way to fix this. I want to be better, not wallow in this pile of sludge. I just don't know how. I need to accept things like I did once, but so many times I'm called into question and the only answer I have is a big fat blank. I used to be so justified. I don't know what happened.
I'm sitting here tired, shivering, hungry, and crying and I need to study. I needed to vent, though. Vent vent vent... I don't know what's going on. Tonight wasn't a good night, and placation has no place here.
"You're the reason I get up and do it every day..." Yeah, and that's why I feel so shitty when I disappoint you.
Self-negation. I'll go fuck myself and study. Forget about it. It never existed in the first place.
Whine whine whine... It's all my own fault, really, and I'm the only one who can fix it.
In a way, Friday can't come soon enough so I can return to the mundaneness of family life and hopefully stop finding reasons to beat the shit out of myself. In a way, I don't want it to come. Ah, hell...
1 comment:
procrasinating eh. i ecently tried to kill myself. i was sent to a ward. when i got out the sky was blue. i was so thankful. i never sat down and just felt thankful.
signed 14andfree
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