Didn't wake up 'till 3 today, with the alarm having been going off for three and a half hours. Apparently the loud cocaine song isn't working anymore. I have found a .wav file of a very annoying, ear-splitting scream. Perhaps that'll work for a while. Or at least it'll get people barging into my room wondering why people keep screaming in terror. This is yet another reason why I shouldn't have a roommate. I really don't think they'd be able to cope very well with my computer repeatedly screaming for hours in the morning...
Such ambition everyone has... except for me, of course. Had a good afternoon and a strange evening/night. (Note that translated into insomniac time afternoon is 5-11 and evening is midnight to 2 or 3...night is anything after that until I go to bed. Heh.) I want to be around people and I don't at the same time. I need to curl up in my hole with an "open" sign hung outside or something. I really don't understand myself sometimes.
There've been some strange personal connundrums rolling around in my head for a while now and I don't really feel like I'm in a position to do anything about them. I seem to have forgotten how to remove myself from boxes. It's almost as if, say, in your formative years, you hop from box to box, trying them out for shape and size. Eventually you find that box that feels "just right" and you jam yourself in so hard that you get stuck, which doesn't matter since it's a good fit. Until you notice, at some point down the road, that your back starts to hurt. Yeah, I know, you shouldn't try to fit yourself into a box, we're constantly redefining ourselves, you should learn to accept yourself, blah blah blah &c. Unfortunately, despite what anyone says, there are some things you have to pigeonhole yourself into for sake of explanation. Just for that sake. It's something I have to figure out on my own.
Maybe these kinds of things wouldn't happen if I didn't confuse myself and everyone around me with distractions, diversions and crypticspeak. It's all fine and dandy to be honest with others, but if you're not honest with yourself... I don't know. Sometimes I think my non-confrontational and generally agreeable ways go a little too far.
I'm confusing myself now. I guess you can read into this whatever you want and it might still be right on some level, considering the fact that I can't bring myself to speak about anything personal on a level below metaphor. Nietzsche said something to the effect that language is nothing but an endless string of metaphors, so I suppose it's appropriate enough.
Suffice to say that something just ain't right. I guess I'll go to bed now. Always the last one up, keeping guard on the rising of the sun...
Maybe.
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