ANGST

wir haben jetzt Angst, glaube ich... wir haben jetzt techinche Problemen... bitte sich Bereit halten...

this is a timeline wrought in years, painstakingly by hand, looping, and devoured. a day won't do, a year is the only base material for me.

this is called me keeping my mind off things

surveys of doom... here we go...

♦Single or taken: taken, likely.
♦Sex : I shall avoid the obvious.

♦Birthday: 2/24/84
♦Sign: pisces-ish.
♦Siblings: younger sister, jenny.
♦Hair color: right now, purple and white/grey.
♦Eye color: brown
♦Shoe size: 10 womens, 8 to 81/2 mens.
♦What are you wearing right now: black pants my ass hangs out of, zombie bunnies t-shirt
♦Where do you live: Morgantown, WV
♦Righty or lefty: right

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♥Relationships♥
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♦Do you have a bf or gf: yeah
♦Best place to go for a date: eh. somewhere not home? cos staying at home wouldn't constitute a date? i don't know.

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♣Fashion Stuff♣
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♦Where is your fav place to shop: someplace cheap. I still wear the clothes I had in high school. Whether they fit or not.
Tattoos or piercings: six ear piercings, one nipple. two tattoos. need more.

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♠Faves♠
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♦Color: burgundy.
♦Food: soup. and sushi.
♦Boys name: huh?
♦Girls name: what?
♦Subject in school: I never really liked school.
♦Animal: cats. and birds (corvidae family especially, but I really like parrots.)
♦Alcoholic drink: Noocassel
♦Celebrity: um. Sean Connery. Neil Gaiman. Or Cthulhu (he's pretty famous).
♦Veggie: brokkee and pease
♦Fruit: pineapples and mangoes
♦Place to visit: home
♦Month: um. October probably.
♦Show: *cough* most things on Cartoon Network *cough*
♦Juice: orange pineapple.
♦Ice Cream: ice cream makes my tumbly yell at me.
♦Breakfast: something that's not normally breakfast.
♦Cologne: whatever bunnyman is wearing
♦Favorite cartoon character: The King of All Cosmos. Well, he is animated.

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♣Have You Ever♣
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♦Given anyone a bath: yeah
♦Smoked: constantly
♦Bungee jumped: no
♦Made yourself throw-up: yes
♦Gone skinny dipping: no
♦Been in the opposite sex's washroom: yes
♦Eaten a dog biscuit: yes
♦Put your tongue on a frozen pole: yes. it didn't get stuck. maybe I had a hot tongue.
♦Ever loved someone that made you cry: yes
♦Broken a bone: not that I know of.
♦Played truth or dare: yes
♦Been in a physical fight: yes
♦Been in a police car: no
♦Been on a plane: yes
♦Been in a sauna: no
♦Been in a hot tub: yes
♦Swam in the ocean: yes
♦Fallen asleep in school: constantly
♦Kissed your cousin: no. thank god. you've never seen my cousins.
♦Pictured your crush naked: yes
♦Ever had a sex dream: yes
♦Broken someone's heart: probably.
♦Cried when someone died: yes
♦Flashed someone: yes
♦Lied: yes
♦Sat by the phone all night waiting for a call: yes
♦Wished you were someone else: yes
♦Wished you were a member of the opposite sex: yes. and that I could switch back and forth at whim and no one would think it unusual.

♦Made out with JUST a friend: yes
♦Been rejected: yes
♦Been in love: yes
♦Been cheated on: yes
♦Done something you regret: yes
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♠First Thing That Comes to Mind♠
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♦Red: window
♦Blue: yak
♦Happy: artichoke
♦Autumn: mile
♦Cow: scent
♦Greenland: ice

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¢¯What Is?
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♦Your good luck charm: don't have one.
♦Stupidest thing you have ever done: there are a lot that rank up there...
♦Whats your room like: cluttered with books and bottles and clothes
♦Your crush: anything friendly with boobs. hah.
♦Your most prized possession: home
♦Last thing you said: "v-bar v-bar mmm... pp is an adjunct. trees?"
♦What is beside you: a shoe and a syntax book
♦Last thing you ate: chicken sandwich
♦What kind of shampoo do you use: suave cheapo natural aloe
♦Worst thing that has happened to you this year: um. could be too early to tell.

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♥Have You Ever Had♥
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♦ Chicken pox: yes
♦Sore Throat: yes
♦Cold: yes
♦Stitches: no
♦Bloody nose: many many times.

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♣Do you♣
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♦Believe in love at first sight: not really.
♦Enjoy parks: depends on the park. usually.
♦Like picnics: yes
♦Like school: some of it yes, some of it no
♦What schools have you gone to: Beverly Elem, Elkins Middle, Elkins High, St. Ignatius Jesuit, WVU
♦Hate anyone: no one but me
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♣Would You♣
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♦Eat a live hamster for $1,000,000: I'd have to think about it. a million dollars is a lot of money.
♦Go to a hanson concert if you had a free ticket: no
♦Kill someone you didn¡¯t know for 15 billion dollars: if I could get away with it? yes.
♦If you were stuck on an island, what person would you want with you: Bunnyman. and a set of water wings for him (not technically a person)
♦If you loved someone and you were keeping something from them and it would hurt them if they found out, would you tell them: probably
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♠Who♠
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♦Who is the last person that called you: Matt
♦Makes you laugh the most: depends on the day and my mood
♦Makes you smile: everyone who doesn't make me frown. and some that do. sometimes.
♦Can make you feel better no matter what: me. well, that's not true always.

♦Was the last person you touched: matt's roomate bobby. gave him a stab to the kidney.
♦Was the person you talked to last: talk ot type? typed was robert, talk was dr. janson
♦You hugged: damn. probably bunnyman.
♦You Kissed: bunnyman
♦You yelled at: dr chalupa. to myself. by myself. in my room.
♦Broke your heart: it doesn't always get completely fixed enough for someone to break it again.
♦Told you they loved you: robert, by way of me saying I'd help him with excel.
♦Is your loudest friend: whoa. there's a lot of them. and they compete. very loudly.
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♣Do You/Are You♣
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♦Do you like filling these out: they keep me busy without the fear of being productive
♦Do you like yourself: em. i am myself.
♦Do you get along with your family: some of them.
♦Do you do drugs: life, love, cigarettes, alcohol, video games, words, caffiene the intarweb... i am a perpetual addict.
color your hair: uh. purple is not usually a natural color.
♦Have piercings below the waist: no
♦Habla espanol: me habla un poco espanol. il es muy malo. no me gustan las hamburguesas. me gusta el pollo, por favor. gracias.
♦Stolen anything over $50: no, but i've given it back.
♦Smoke: didn't we do this one before?
♦Obsessive: somewhat
♦Compulsive: isn't everything a compulsion of some sort?
♦Anorexic: no
♦Depressed: ehm...
♦Suicidal: i laugh at your silly attempts to analyze me.

analyze this.

I feel like shit.

Scenario:

Girl comes home to boy. Chats as normal, lovey-dovey, I love you. Boy is sick, hawks up random phlegm-balls every so often. Still stays up to chat with girl, but goes to bed early. Girl stays up another half hour, then goes to bed. Boy won't talk to girl the next day. Girl scratches head, wondering what she's done. Girl finds out at two a.m. the next morning that boy wanted her to come to bed and cuddle. Boy didn't say anything that night, no "Come to bed, baby," or name-calls or anything. Apparently boy has told girl that he wants to cuddle several nights brfore. Girl doesn't remember this and is made to feel like shit. Girl continues to get the cold shoulder the next day, during which girl says "I love you" and maked homemade burritos and brings them to his work and says I'm sorry and everything. Boy says "Don't be sorry, it's not important. You didn't do anything," to which girl thinks she obviously did and is an insensitive bitch or something. Boy says nothing outside job or home is important, therefore, that must not be important. Girl calls bullshit, to which boy says it's all his fault. Then he proceeds to say "I'll talk to you in a couple of weeks,"then hangs up. Not an 'I love you' from Saturday to Monday morning. But this is not important, apparently, and he's, as he says, "making a big deal out of nothing."

Huh? This behavior is more common than you think, and I have no idea as to how to deal with it, making me not just an insensitive bitch, but a confused and frustrated one. I'm sure it might be a little more typical if 'girl' and 'boy' were reversed. I just don't know how to figure this one out. My first impulse is to cry, and then to throw things. Neither of which will solve anything at all.

Sometimes I really don't understand how normal people are supposed to work...

"here I am expecting just a little bit too much..."

Every night people drop off to sleep, one by one, winking out like stars or lights in an apartment building, blink, wink, blink. Usually I'm the only one left. Makes me feel like I'm doing guard duty against the dark, one last standing outpost until the rest come back into service. I'm not sure why I can't sleep at night. Even when the day doesn't manage to knock me unconscious for a few hours, as soon as that sun goes down, I'm ready to go. Typical.

This weekend Bunnyman and I fought against one another in a lightsaber battle to the death. Well, to the 'extreme acquisition of welts'. He still has a large one on his leg. Still. Much beer was spilled and things generally went flying around the room. Plastic lightsabers, however, do not really make good replacements for katanas or bokens. Which is probably a good thing in this case, considering the size of that welt.

School goes slowly, and I find myself thinking less and pushing more, just wanting the whole thing to be over with so I can get on with things. Days are a string of approaches and avoidances helping me to avoid any real semblance of contimplative thought. Which is probably good. It's not nearly far enough into the semester to start moping. Ha. Besides, I am a rock. Thud, thud, goes me against the pavement. Laughing.

I'm excited about the prospect of seeing nice boobies on nice bodies doing interesting things soon. Even if I have to pay for the priviledge. Have you seen these boobies? They're really very nice. Certainly worth an admission fee.

I think I shall go be a pirate now. Manhaw is addicted to the Pokemon because of me, but he ought to be grateful that he is not also addicted to the Puzzle Pirates. I must play Hearts so I can afford to buy my leather boots. Woo.

procrastination

Jeeze, this semester seems to drag on and on and on... With each passing day comes the incredible lack of desire to keep going with it. I think things work out better when I don't get a daily dose of socialization. When I see people regularly, for some reason I feel like I've accomplished something that day and no longer have any need to do anything else. Meh. I need to straighten up my act, so to speak. Or something. It just feels like I'm floating on through... Hum.

There's a bit of satisfaction in finding out that someone you no longer need suddenly discovers how much they could have been needing you.

I'm a different person now.

Time to get to work.

blah.

I was going to write a nice insightful post about my past, which would undoubtably be a rehash of other such posts, but I just ate a large bowl of ramen, and if the ghosts can be started by a spot of mustard, then thus can they be taken away. Or also by fish cake.

I don't know. Where do interests diverge? It was kind of a juvenile thing I suppose, but when you find someone who so closely mirrors yourself, you don't see it as such, and you sure as hell don't get over it that quickly. I mean, it's been four years now. But when a person takes up such a large span of your past, existant or not, you can't help but to dwell on it from time to time. Even if it is narcissistically. Cowboy Bebop was what I was talking about. I never got into the show. Everything else in twine, but Cowboy Bebop. I suppose there's got to be somewhere where interests diverge.

Bunnyman's favorite musicians are Pink Floyd and Tracy Chapman. Tracy Chapman? Perhaps I have an argument for being the reluctant lesbian after all...

Forgive my sleep-addledness. Maybe this makes no sense to any of you. The sun is up; time for vampires to be in bed. And the vampirized...

it's the end of the world as we know it...

I know I haven't updated in a while. Summer doesn't seem to have reduced the stress-level of school and being here such a distance away from home. Donating blood yesterday seems to have lowered my immune system and the devil cold I'd been fighting for the past three weeks has once again reared its ugly head. I'm nursing it on oj and beer and cold medicines, planning on sleeping the weekend through to kick this crap. But it's worth it. All I've been looking at the past four days are images of destruction in my dream city, and no one really stepping up to properly help. I'll do anything I can; right now I have no money, but I have blood. So there it goes, hopefully to someone there who needs it. Or to free up reserves to send to them. I'm seriously thinking about going there to do relief work when they finally start letting people into the city, when they finally stop pointing arms at one another and start organizing this situation. New Orleans is my city. It's the city of anyone who has an indepedent spirit, who feels an attachment to the traditions in this country. I may have only been there twice, but it's the city I was meant to belong to. Now, it's gone. The people may be resilient, but it only goes so far... I hope any of you who read this do whatever you can to help. It doesn't take money (which, face it, a student doesn't have) or even resources. Donate your time. Donate your labor. Please. They're suffering horribly, and it's awful to bear watching this happen to my city...my mutterland...

Here's some links to the latest proper (not politically influenced) news to come from folks on the ground, right there on site:

The Interdictor: Holing up in an office building

NOLA Metroblog

LSPD Police Scanner

WWLTV News streaming feed (running sporadically)

Stay informed. Find a way to help. These are your people....