Rather than going to classes, I decided to spend a few hours talking to an old friend who just reannounced his presence to me this morning. I think this was a worthy use of my time. Plus, my sinus infection probably would have just weirded out the Japanese people anyway like it did on Wednesday. And he's probably the oldest friend I'm, as of today, in contact with. I suppose I've burned a hell of a lot more bridges than I ever intended to.
Will I or won't I go home this weekend? I'd rather stay here. We'll see.
11.10.2006
11.05.2006
the scars are here to remind me of the past, and what's to come...
Arrrrgh. That;s all I really have to say. Tonight was decent. We'll see afterwards.
After my drought of not working on gettin to Japan, my birth certificate should be coming in the mail imminently. Which is good, and means I can try to start getting back on the ball. We'll see. I really want to be there right now. Hell with college. Besides the fact that you need a college degree. Hum.
Listening to Tom Waits right now; Noah gave me a lot more than I had. Now I feel weird, and my cheeks are burning a bit (which either means they're healing, or the stitches are falling out, or both) and I've been drinking some. Hum.
Bunnyman's being strange. I feel tendrils, and yet I don't. Lost, and have no idea as to what to do. Stasis is good. We shall remail here, perhaps, for now. Aside from the conspicuous lack of human touch.
A little lonely, but not in a people-seeking sort of way. It's 4:30 a.m. I may just see the sun rise.
After my drought of not working on gettin to Japan, my birth certificate should be coming in the mail imminently. Which is good, and means I can try to start getting back on the ball. We'll see. I really want to be there right now. Hell with college. Besides the fact that you need a college degree. Hum.
Listening to Tom Waits right now; Noah gave me a lot more than I had. Now I feel weird, and my cheeks are burning a bit (which either means they're healing, or the stitches are falling out, or both) and I've been drinking some. Hum.
Bunnyman's being strange. I feel tendrils, and yet I don't. Lost, and have no idea as to what to do. Stasis is good. We shall remail here, perhaps, for now. Aside from the conspicuous lack of human touch.
A little lonely, but not in a people-seeking sort of way. It's 4:30 a.m. I may just see the sun rise.
10.29.2006
halloween
So tonight was the main night for Halloween parties around here. Considering everyone has stuff to do over the weekdays and everything. Tonight was pretty good, I suppose. Walked around a hell of a lot, 'till my ankles bled. Saw slutty chicks in their Halloween costumes. Played the semi-responsible "of age" beer buyer. Went to a random party and all that. Got drunk.
Then had a long conversation with Noah about how we can never get what we're looking for, simply because it's specific. Listened to music. Came back here. And cried a bit.
Really, why do things have to be so difficult? I only wish I knew. I really, really wish things could be simple... This is something I could never talk to Bunnyman about, as bad as it seems.
As good as things are now, I'm still pretty sure I will die alone.
Tuesday I get surgery and maybe drugs. My parents are coming to laugh at me and make sure I don't get lost in Evansdale after the dopeyness. Hopefully after a week my jaw will no longer feel like someone's implanted chestnuts in there. Hurray.
Then had a long conversation with Noah about how we can never get what we're looking for, simply because it's specific. Listened to music. Came back here. And cried a bit.
Really, why do things have to be so difficult? I only wish I knew. I really, really wish things could be simple... This is something I could never talk to Bunnyman about, as bad as it seems.
As good as things are now, I'm still pretty sure I will die alone.
Tuesday I get surgery and maybe drugs. My parents are coming to laugh at me and make sure I don't get lost in Evansdale after the dopeyness. Hopefully after a week my jaw will no longer feel like someone's implanted chestnuts in there. Hurray.
10.19.2006
Youtube sodomy madness
I'm not in the best mood today, and sodomy cheers me up. So here, have some videos... they're all non-porny.
(Note: those reading within Facebook will want to click "View Original Post".)
First, we have Michael Moore's "Sodomobile":
(Note: those reading within Facebook will want to click "View Original Post".)
First, we have Michael Moore's "Sodomobile":
Few know that Peter Jackson, Mr. LOTR and King Kong, did a puppetsploitation film called "Meet the Feebles" This is the song "Sodomy" (quite catchy):
And a movie parody of the Jack Chick tract "Doom Town." That man is an unintentional comic genius:
Hum. Still sad, but they're fun.
10.08.2006
argh timelines
There's so much stuff I need to remember to do in the next few weeks.
The JET application is out, and I'm slowly filling it out. I really need to just sit down and do the whole thing one night, but homework gets in the way of that, as it does with many other essential functions like sleeping and eating.
I need to catch up on my Chinese. I need to study my Japanese. I really need to get caught up on German. There's a lot of stuff I need to do for BiGLTM. This tutoring situation needs to be resolved at some point in time, considering apparently no undergrads need any German tutoring. And then there's all the paperworky-stuff I need to get accomplished on various parts of campus...it's times like these where I wish I had a clone and the clone could go off and do everything for me while I remained home, asleep
The clone should be well-versed in ways of dealing with drama, and should have great communication skills.
Japanese. Now.
The JET application is out, and I'm slowly filling it out. I really need to just sit down and do the whole thing one night, but homework gets in the way of that, as it does with many other essential functions like sleeping and eating.
I need to catch up on my Chinese. I need to study my Japanese. I really need to get caught up on German. There's a lot of stuff I need to do for BiGLTM. This tutoring situation needs to be resolved at some point in time, considering apparently no undergrads need any German tutoring. And then there's all the paperworky-stuff I need to get accomplished on various parts of campus...it's times like these where I wish I had a clone and the clone could go off and do everything for me while I remained home, asleep
The clone should be well-versed in ways of dealing with drama, and should have great communication skills.
Japanese. Now.
10.06.2006
rolling
There have been lots of dips and swings lately. Requisite drama, craziness, midterms... With each passing day, I know better where I stand. I guess that's good. I've been fluctuating wildly between feeling like shit and feeling damned good about myself, but the ruts seem to be getting shallower and shallower. Probably symptomatic with actually forcing myself to get back out into the world.
In the last week I've helped people, met old friends, seen new ones, and started to come to terms again with who and what I am. What you are is nothing that has to be announced outright to the world; it's something people see and realize. And that's okay. It's okay for people to point out the obvious. And it's okay for you to be okay with it. You are who you are. Nothing changes in that respect aside from the occasional redefinition.
This seems a little incoherant, and I'm not sure where I'm going with it. Suffice it to say that I currently feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin (which is good, 'cos I can't take it off). I'm not angry, I'm not depressed or hermitagely-inclined.
This may last only for the duration of tonight, but that's still good. I had a good day today: told I was talented, passed some exams, ate Chinese pineapple shortcake and drank tea for the Moon Festival, watched and took pictures of a successful protest, listened to a spontaneous musical performance and got a fabulous massage. It's also cool to be accepted as a lesbian even when you're in a relationship with a man. (Gender, orientation, all fluid. A pox upon labely-folks.)
Now is a time for harvest, a time for reaping what you've sown and either being satisfied with the bounty or faced with hardship from the meager return. It seems this season I've done well. And things will work out okay for all. Even for those whose harvest was sparse, I have fruit to share.
We'll all make it, and things will be okay.
In the last week I've helped people, met old friends, seen new ones, and started to come to terms again with who and what I am. What you are is nothing that has to be announced outright to the world; it's something people see and realize. And that's okay. It's okay for people to point out the obvious. And it's okay for you to be okay with it. You are who you are. Nothing changes in that respect aside from the occasional redefinition.
This seems a little incoherant, and I'm not sure where I'm going with it. Suffice it to say that I currently feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin (which is good, 'cos I can't take it off). I'm not angry, I'm not depressed or hermitagely-inclined.
This may last only for the duration of tonight, but that's still good. I had a good day today: told I was talented, passed some exams, ate Chinese pineapple shortcake and drank tea for the Moon Festival, watched and took pictures of a successful protest, listened to a spontaneous musical performance and got a fabulous massage. It's also cool to be accepted as a lesbian even when you're in a relationship with a man. (Gender, orientation, all fluid. A pox upon labely-folks.)
Now is a time for harvest, a time for reaping what you've sown and either being satisfied with the bounty or faced with hardship from the meager return. It seems this season I've done well. And things will work out okay for all. Even for those whose harvest was sparse, I have fruit to share.
We'll all make it, and things will be okay.
10.03.2006
technology is great
So I hacked into my phone so I can get crap off of it without having to shell out bucks to Moto/USCC. And now I can do stuff. La.
P.S.: Yes, in the video below I am dirty and acting like a mild idiot. Bite me.
P.S.: Yes, in the video below I am dirty and acting like a mild idiot. Bite me.
9.26.2006
outside the fishbowl, poking at the glass
Looking at the wedding photos of your childhood friends is weird. Even though Bunnyman and I have been together for some long and debateable period of time now, marriage seems like a foreign word. That's something normal people do. Not you, and not your friends.
Not like we haven't talked about it. He's brought it up to his parents, and I to mine, and they all approve, which is in itself odd. Part of me just doesn't see it actually happening, if only for the fact that I find it amazingly hard to picture myself in a wedding dress.
Plus, if things go my way, I may be in Japan this time next year. So many things could go wrong...I may get crappy reccomendations, I may not graduate on time, I may bomb the essay...and if none of those things happen, I may bomb the interview. The JET application should be posted in the next few days; most countries already have theirs out. All this waiting will result in still more waiting. Always waiting.
I suppose life will start soon.
In other news, I really wish the maintenance folks would stop fucking with our showers. They worked fine over the first few weeks. Now they're screwed up and need fixing after the first "fix".
Also, Chinese grammar is absolutely bizarre. You can say something like “爸爸，是做什么的？“ where 是 is a verb (to be as a linking verb) and 做 is a verb (to do), which makes the whole sentence literally translate as something like "father, is to do what your?"which should mean "what does your father do for a living?" No wonder we have Engrish. Also "boyfriend" （男朋友）translates literally as "to have a male friend," so you can say "I have male friend have" as "I have a boyfriend." I guess it's not much worse than Japanese. Words in Japanese that aren't really words are far too complicated to write. You can't just say "ichi," cos it depends on what you're talking about, and if you're talking about the number one, you have to say "ichiban," which requires a 12 or 13 stroke character that sensei is picky about. All attempts to simpify things are thus thwarted. And for some reason I insist on studying Asian languages.
Also to Blogger word verification: what exactly is a "ufohog"? Interesting.
Not like we haven't talked about it. He's brought it up to his parents, and I to mine, and they all approve, which is in itself odd. Part of me just doesn't see it actually happening, if only for the fact that I find it amazingly hard to picture myself in a wedding dress.
Plus, if things go my way, I may be in Japan this time next year. So many things could go wrong...I may get crappy reccomendations, I may not graduate on time, I may bomb the essay...and if none of those things happen, I may bomb the interview. The JET application should be posted in the next few days; most countries already have theirs out. All this waiting will result in still more waiting. Always waiting.
I suppose life will start soon.
In other news, I really wish the maintenance folks would stop fucking with our showers. They worked fine over the first few weeks. Now they're screwed up and need fixing after the first "fix".
Also, Chinese grammar is absolutely bizarre. You can say something like “爸爸，是做什么的？“ where 是 is a verb (to be as a linking verb) and 做 is a verb (to do), which makes the whole sentence literally translate as something like "father, is to do what your?"which should mean "what does your father do for a living?" No wonder we have Engrish. Also "boyfriend" （男朋友）translates literally as "to have a male friend," so you can say "I have male friend have" as "I have a boyfriend." I guess it's not much worse than Japanese. Words in Japanese that aren't really words are far too complicated to write. You can't just say "ichi," cos it depends on what you're talking about, and if you're talking about the number one, you have to say "ichiban," which requires a 12 or 13 stroke character that sensei is picky about. All attempts to simpify things are thus thwarted. And for some reason I insist on studying Asian languages.
Also to Blogger word verification: what exactly is a "ufohog"? Interesting.
9.18.2006
excuse me while I dissappear off the earth for a while
I am sick. In the interest of getting better as quickly as possible, aside from going to classes I've been taking large quantities of drugs, supplements, and sleep.
NyQuil + beer + valerian = conk. Which is what I shall now do, thank you.
NyQuil + beer + valerian = conk. Which is what I shall now do, thank you.
9.15.2006
good times
I don't know if my blog works at the moment. If not, this should still be syndicated on facebook, and I still have a record of everything. Personal uses and whatnot. 'Cos who in this day and age keeps a pen and paper journal anymore?
I can feel things winding down. Even though they haven't really reached their peak for this year yet, the curtains are slowly beginning to lower, and something new is coming.
I have no doubts about passing this year. I know with my mediocre performance the past few years, all I really need to do is show up, and I'm gold. After that, who knows? Maybe I'll be in Japan. Maybe I'll be working at Taco Bell. Things change so quickly.
This is really early to be making this kind of post, but it's on my mind right now. I've had some damned good times in college, and very few of them are the traditional "party 'till you puke" college memories. Cleaning Manhaw's couch. Long walks at 3 a.m. down the Rail Trail. The smokers. Random chaos. Making fun of idiotic drunk people. That'll all be behind me in less than a year. I relish change; I'm always looking for the new experience hidden in the mundane, or not-so-mundane. We'll see how much change I get.
Also, I now apparently look like a man, and though I still have some (albeit scant) hair on my head, according to other people (who have hair), I've shaved it. Good to know. I apparently feel more sympathy with the male genatalia anyway.
I can feel things winding down. Even though they haven't really reached their peak for this year yet, the curtains are slowly beginning to lower, and something new is coming.
I have no doubts about passing this year. I know with my mediocre performance the past few years, all I really need to do is show up, and I'm gold. After that, who knows? Maybe I'll be in Japan. Maybe I'll be working at Taco Bell. Things change so quickly.
This is really early to be making this kind of post, but it's on my mind right now. I've had some damned good times in college, and very few of them are the traditional "party 'till you puke" college memories. Cleaning Manhaw's couch. Long walks at 3 a.m. down the Rail Trail. The smokers. Random chaos. Making fun of idiotic drunk people. That'll all be behind me in less than a year. I relish change; I'm always looking for the new experience hidden in the mundane, or not-so-mundane. We'll see how much change I get.
Also, I now apparently look like a man, and though I still have some (albeit scant) hair on my head, according to other people (who have hair), I've shaved it. Good to know. I apparently feel more sympathy with the male genatalia anyway.
9.08.2006
information overload
I got back from the bar around three tonight. Coming up the stairs, winded in that slightly drunk smoked too many cigarettes kind of way, I see streamers. Crepe paper streamers. Past the streamers? Balloons, on the ceiling and the floor. Colored paper all over the walls. And a huge red sheet of colored paper on the floor. There are giant paper cameras and microphones all over the walls. And I see, on the bulletin board, I have my name beneath a paper trophy labeled "Most Outgoing." There are foam crowns on all the doors, including mine. Plus a huge blue star with my name on it.
Um.
I seem to have forgotten that they planned on decorating the bulletin board tonight. I didn't know the board incorporated everything else in the hallway. Including a desk chair parked in the C-room hall labeled "Director." My paranoia tells me they might have done this just to fuck with my head, for as far as I know there's no hall decorating contest going on. Or maybe they had a bit too much to drink.
There's a photo of two girls' asses across the hall. All I think when I leave my room is "OMG, circus!!" Jeeze. They did a decent job, though. A lot of work. And it sufficently weirded me out. Bonus.
I had a hot goth chick bellydancing in front of me tonight at the bar. Never met her before, probably never will again. I remember the same thing happening with the table-dancing gypsy chick several years ago, and I kick myself to this day for it. Granted, we were both drunk enough then to do someting. Tonight, not so much. Someone'd have to be either pretty drunk, or Bunnyman, to make a move on me anymore. That's alright, 'cos I can easily do without. Doesn't stop me from thinking about it though.
Meetings went well. Poor liberal arts students were saddened to see that everyone thinks our disciplines are as useless at the business world does. I have one whole student so far. Go languages.
I have to go home this weekend, contrary to former plans. This means I will be able to get almost no homework done. No catchup. Nothing. Sometimes, as bad as it may seem, I hate having people rely on me, or look to me for assistance. I'm restless; I need my schedule, but elsewhere. New routines. I don't know.
Maybe I'll go wander the halls, then work on Chinese.
edit: I had forgotten all about Parent's Weekend. Maybe 'cos I didn't have any reason to remember it. It seems there is some decorating contest going on, but oddly enough it's either restricted to the girls' halls, or only the girls feel like participating. Ours has the most "Holy crap, balloons!!" feel to it. I think we'll win. Granted, I had nothing to do with this.
Um.
I seem to have forgotten that they planned on decorating the bulletin board tonight. I didn't know the board incorporated everything else in the hallway. Including a desk chair parked in the C-room hall labeled "Director." My paranoia tells me they might have done this just to fuck with my head, for as far as I know there's no hall decorating contest going on. Or maybe they had a bit too much to drink.
There's a photo of two girls' asses across the hall. All I think when I leave my room is "OMG, circus!!" Jeeze. They did a decent job, though. A lot of work. And it sufficently weirded me out. Bonus.
I had a hot goth chick bellydancing in front of me tonight at the bar. Never met her before, probably never will again. I remember the same thing happening with the table-dancing gypsy chick several years ago, and I kick myself to this day for it. Granted, we were both drunk enough then to do someting. Tonight, not so much. Someone'd have to be either pretty drunk, or Bunnyman, to make a move on me anymore. That's alright, 'cos I can easily do without. Doesn't stop me from thinking about it though.
Meetings went well. Poor liberal arts students were saddened to see that everyone thinks our disciplines are as useless at the business world does. I have one whole student so far. Go languages.
I have to go home this weekend, contrary to former plans. This means I will be able to get almost no homework done. No catchup. Nothing. Sometimes, as bad as it may seem, I hate having people rely on me, or look to me for assistance. I'm restless; I need my schedule, but elsewhere. New routines. I don't know.
Maybe I'll go wander the halls, then work on Chinese.
edit: I had forgotten all about Parent's Weekend. Maybe 'cos I didn't have any reason to remember it. It seems there is some decorating contest going on, but oddly enough it's either restricted to the girls' halls, or only the girls feel like participating. Ours has the most "Holy crap, balloons!!" feel to it. I think we'll win. Granted, I had nothing to do with this.
9.01.2006
childishness
I don't know where my title bar went (for those of you reading this on facebook (like I have tons of readers or something), it was once on my main blog), but I don't feel like investigating. Perhaps the internet copyright monsters ate it or something. It's been gone a while. This is just a place for me to write, so I really don't care overly much.
Sometimes I wonder where childishness goes. I know I'm still not as grown-up and businesslike as many (I still like my toys and my pretty shiny things), but I look back at the past and realize that somewhere along the line something's been lost. Curiosity. Upfrontness. The times when I could walk up to a stranger and ask them a million honest questions about what they were doing and how they got to where they are. I can't say it's because I already know all the answers to them, 'cos I don't. I can assume, and that's usually what I do. I still watch and wonder about people, but I no longer make up stories about them. It seems I've either presumably already figured them out, or don't care overly much. This was one of the things I never wanted to lose. Unfortunately, those sorts of things you usually don't notice leaving, and once they're gone you haven't the slightest idea as to how to get them back.
Sometimes I walk through the halls late at night, enjoying both the silence and the small isolated sounds coming from behind closed doors. Usually I have those sounds figured out: drunk people, people having sex, people drowning out exterior noise as they study. And sometimes I wonder what exactly is going on beyond those doors. I relish the fact that I am so close to so many, and yet am perfectly insulated against anything going on beyond. I like the silence. I like the low, constant drone of it. Even silence sounds like something.
Tonight was good. I'm in a good place right now, hopefully on my way. Is it the right way? Who the fuck really knows? I know that, for once, I'm happy. Content might be the right word. All seems right, and I'm moving along. But sometimes I wonder about what I've lost versus what I've gained, and if it really will equal out in the end. I hope so.
We continue forward, on the path of destiny, but do we always heed its call? Probably not. There's nothing left to do but live.
edit: P.S. crap what is it with those of the Aries and Virgo persuasions? Everyone seems to be either an Aries, a Virgo, or me, and they should stop. Ha. The end.
Sometimes I wonder where childishness goes. I know I'm still not as grown-up and businesslike as many (I still like my toys and my pretty shiny things), but I look back at the past and realize that somewhere along the line something's been lost. Curiosity. Upfrontness. The times when I could walk up to a stranger and ask them a million honest questions about what they were doing and how they got to where they are. I can't say it's because I already know all the answers to them, 'cos I don't. I can assume, and that's usually what I do. I still watch and wonder about people, but I no longer make up stories about them. It seems I've either presumably already figured them out, or don't care overly much. This was one of the things I never wanted to lose. Unfortunately, those sorts of things you usually don't notice leaving, and once they're gone you haven't the slightest idea as to how to get them back.
Sometimes I walk through the halls late at night, enjoying both the silence and the small isolated sounds coming from behind closed doors. Usually I have those sounds figured out: drunk people, people having sex, people drowning out exterior noise as they study. And sometimes I wonder what exactly is going on beyond those doors. I relish the fact that I am so close to so many, and yet am perfectly insulated against anything going on beyond. I like the silence. I like the low, constant drone of it. Even silence sounds like something.
Tonight was good. I'm in a good place right now, hopefully on my way. Is it the right way? Who the fuck really knows? I know that, for once, I'm happy. Content might be the right word. All seems right, and I'm moving along. But sometimes I wonder about what I've lost versus what I've gained, and if it really will equal out in the end. I hope so.
We continue forward, on the path of destiny, but do we always heed its call? Probably not. There's nothing left to do but live.
edit: P.S. crap what is it with those of the Aries and Virgo persuasions? Everyone seems to be either an Aries, a Virgo, or me, and they should stop. Ha. The end.
8.28.2006
not appropriate
I discovered once again that it's not easy to do large quantities of homework with a child underfoot, but it's doubly hard with a child underfoot and an older woman telling you stories she's told you fifteen times already at least. If I don't develop a hump by the end of the semester I'll be lucky.
Went to a semi-okay concert at a yuppie golf event Saturday. Lots of well-dressed people getting drunk on six-dollar tiny wine bottles and cheering to early nineties top-40 alternapop. At least the tickets were free, and it was cool to actually go out and do something. I wouldn't have paid for it though. Their sound guys had no idea what they were doing.
I don't feel like doing any more homework today; my day was spent scrawling. Bed, sez me. Actual thoughtful and reflective posts will be saved for another time.
Went to a semi-okay concert at a yuppie golf event Saturday. Lots of well-dressed people getting drunk on six-dollar tiny wine bottles and cheering to early nineties top-40 alternapop. At least the tickets were free, and it was cool to actually go out and do something. I wouldn't have paid for it though. Their sound guys had no idea what they were doing.
I don't feel like doing any more homework today; my day was spent scrawling. Bed, sez me. Actual thoughtful and reflective posts will be saved for another time.
8.25.2006
free stuff for a somewhat vindictive cause
Does anyone want some free Chronicles of Narnia DVDs?
Ha. I love it.
edit: This doesn't work anymore. I think the internet broke Focus on the Family. Yay us. I still hope I get my free loot.
Ha. I love it.
edit: This doesn't work anymore. I think the internet broke Focus on the Family. Yay us. I still hope I get my free loot.
8.24.2006
Biz-eeee
So now I have 20 credit hours. 3 lit classes, 2 of which are in foreign languages, 2 language classes, and 2 credits of tutoring and mentoring. I find it a little hard to believe that I'm going to be considered a mentor for these new college students, but I'm going to give it a shot anyway. Plus, it'll look good on my JET application, which I'll be able to get in a week or so. I'm not sure how Bunnyman's gonna feel about me being gone for a whole year, no weekend pickup, no conversations every day. He takes it hard when I'm half an hour away. Who knows how he'll take it when I'm several timezones and oceans away. Still, this all hinges on whether or not I get accepted. I really have it in my head that this is what I want to do after I graduate.
Today I had two classes, not a big deal. Until this ended up being supplemented with an hour and a half of showing Japanese students how to say "arrrr" like a pirate. Then another hour of talking about learning methods and how history majors are likely to become either teachers or managers at a Starbucks. My day left me quickly. I hope I'm able to maintain this level of involvement without sinking into a rut like I did before. Granted, with the tutoring program, I'll have other people depending on me. That's usually a good kick in the ass.
My senior year, I decide to become a real college student. We'll see how long this lasts.
I have reading to do. Ta.
Today I had two classes, not a big deal. Until this ended up being supplemented with an hour and a half of showing Japanese students how to say "arrrr" like a pirate. Then another hour of talking about learning methods and how history majors are likely to become either teachers or managers at a Starbucks. My day left me quickly. I hope I'm able to maintain this level of involvement without sinking into a rut like I did before. Granted, with the tutoring program, I'll have other people depending on me. That's usually a good kick in the ass.
My senior year, I decide to become a real college student. We'll see how long this lasts.
I have reading to do. Ta.
8.21.2006
Fallfest Archetypes
- The Freshman SoHo Chick
These travel in packs. Always wearing a bust-revealing tank top and either denim pants or shorts. Beware of their large purses. At least three to a group, they can intimidate the Standard Freshman Male quite easily through their ingenious usage of cellular phones. - The Standard Freshman Male
3. The Alcoholics
These are the folks who say, "I'm gonna stay in the beer tent 'till I'm done with this one, then go for another." This never works, as the cops move them along. Thus they are never founf far from the beer tent, as they create a revolving door of alchoholism through the beer line. Focused on alcohol, they rarely get sexual favors nor do they know who the band playing is.
4. The Geeks
Usually found standing in a circle, these people know all the lyrics to whatever band may be playing at the time. Head-moshing together, one may or may not be clad in chainmail.
5. The Art Students
Drunk or not, these people are usually clad in dreadlocks and pirate memorabilia. They're damn easy to spot, as they sit on the sides of planters and manage to have meaningful conversations while music shakes their ribcages.
Almost everyone who attends Fallfest fits into one of these categories. I would be able to list a few more, but sorry, I'm an Alcoholic, and I'm drunk.
Plus my Chinese professor says I should "eat three bowla of rice a day," which I figured Sunchips and cheese salsa could substitute for, and now my stomach is swollen. I should lie down. Ha.
Don't mind the typos. Drunk blogging is like drunk dialing, 'cept different. Ahem.
8.19.2006
whew.
So I'm back in Motown and all that good jazz. If I don't have to move anywhere again any time soon I'll be alright. It has been nice these past few weeks living in a real family situation again, if a little surreal. Hopefully soon we'll be getting internet at the place in Bridgeport too, and I'll get a new cell. I'll talk to people again at some point; don't really feel like completely rehashing this long and complicated summer.
I went to the Den today for cigs after I realized my carton was on its way to Bridgeport, and ended up getting two packs for free for buying some freshmen a six pack of Bud. Cower before my legal age, ha. Oh, and because I found a space in Japanese 203, I had to drop Russian. But on arrival in the dorms, I discovered they're offering an elementary Chinese class, which I can fit into my schedule. Why would I do this? Should I really take three languages in a semester? My mind's tellin' me no, but my body, my body's tellin' me yes...
Oh god help me.
I went to the Den today for cigs after I realized my carton was on its way to Bridgeport, and ended up getting two packs for free for buying some freshmen a six pack of Bud. Cower before my legal age, ha. Oh, and because I found a space in Japanese 203, I had to drop Russian. But on arrival in the dorms, I discovered they're offering an elementary Chinese class, which I can fit into my schedule. Why would I do this? Should I really take three languages in a semester? My mind's tellin' me no, but my body, my body's tellin' me yes...
Oh god help me.
7.28.2006
moving sucks balls
The last few weeks, I have been busy cartoning up our whole house and moving it into a storage building in Bridgeport, where I'll now be living on the off time with Bunnyman's crazy parents. There's five people in a two bedroom apartment, and I really miss quiet. But there's a functional kitchen, someone who cooks, good TV, and the possibility of internet in the future outside of school.
Of course, once I'm done moving I'm just going to have to do it all over again. Such is the life of a transient with asshole neighbors who sell your house from underneath you and expect you to be out by the first of the month, and having the house clean despite you not having any kind of rental agreement whatsoever with them. Hum.
Moving sucks. I am leaving large piles of trash in the living room just for the asshole neighbors.
Of course, once I'm done moving I'm just going to have to do it all over again. Such is the life of a transient with asshole neighbors who sell your house from underneath you and expect you to be out by the first of the month, and having the house clean despite you not having any kind of rental agreement whatsoever with them. Hum.
Moving sucks. I am leaving large piles of trash in the living room just for the asshole neighbors.
6.07.2006
missive from the bowels of nowhere
Summer has this far consisted of working and trying to see how many brain cells I can eradicate with a combination of alcohol and customers' mind-numbing stupidity. El Taqueria de Elkins isn't a bad place to work, by any means... Elkins is just a shit town. 'Nuff said.
Mom and Dad have mentioned paying for my TESOL certification, even potentially the really good two-week intensive program in NYC. Hells yeah, says me. I need all the help I can get making my choice of degree actually marketable. We'll see how this pans out though. I have a tendency to get excited about things like this that don't pan out. We'll see.
Everyone's going on vacation this summer except Bunnyman and myself. End of this month I'll have to pick my sister up in Pittsburgh when she returns from China. Her teacher'll be hitching a ride with us back home, and I'll try to hit him up for a reccomendation letter for Jet or somesuch thing.
Things make me so very tired.
Mom and Dad have mentioned paying for my TESOL certification, even potentially the really good two-week intensive program in NYC. Hells yeah, says me. I need all the help I can get making my choice of degree actually marketable. We'll see how this pans out though. I have a tendency to get excited about things like this that don't pan out. We'll see.
Everyone's going on vacation this summer except Bunnyman and myself. End of this month I'll have to pick my sister up in Pittsburgh when she returns from China. Her teacher'll be hitching a ride with us back home, and I'll try to hit him up for a reccomendation letter for Jet or somesuch thing.
Things make me so very tired.
5.04.2006
laws of life
It can be nice and pleasantly cool all year, but it's always going to be humid and sticky when you're trying to move. I've hauled three trashbags full of trash/crap I don't need out of my room already.
The fire alarm went off in Woodburn just as I was heading to my exam there this morning. The professors declined to give us all As due to the distraction. The alarm meant I could have slept in a bit, though. Damn.
Edit: May not be leaving tonight after all. Jo's coming and I'm not entirely sure we'll be able to fit all my crap plus the three of us in the car. Moving in, I had my TV in my lap.
The fire alarm went off in Woodburn just as I was heading to my exam there this morning. The professors declined to give us all As due to the distraction. The alarm meant I could have slept in a bit, though. Damn.
Edit: May not be leaving tonight after all. Jo's coming and I'm not entirely sure we'll be able to fit all my crap plus the three of us in the car. Moving in, I had my TV in my lap.
yet another boring semi-coherent update
I should be leaving here tomorrow, away from such things as "technology" and "decent television" and "stuff to do at night besides watch movies." I have my last exam, and Bunnyman'll be here around 6 to collect my worldly goods. This is the second-to-last time I'll be doing this, after which I'll leave for good. Then the real world, and a good chance at finding that my education qualifies me to do exactly squat as a career aside from taco-stuffing or ignoring people on phones.
If I don't get in touch with anyone, have a good summery-time. I won't have internet access aside from trips to leech wireless from my parents, who'll doubtlessly wonder why I don't go and see them more and why every time I do I bring my computer and glue myself to it. Expect minimal updates for the next three months or so. Reach me via Bunnyman's phone; if you don't know it, hurry and ask. Tonight's my last in Motown.
Until then, toodles, ta, and various other sundry things. I sleep now.
(Oh, and by the way, for any Browncoats in West Virginia, I've made us a Yahoo Group at Bunnyman's behest, 'cos he's all into that sort of thing (as am I but not the organizing); you can find it here.)
If I don't get in touch with anyone, have a good summery-time. I won't have internet access aside from trips to leech wireless from my parents, who'll doubtlessly wonder why I don't go and see them more and why every time I do I bring my computer and glue myself to it. Expect minimal updates for the next three months or so. Reach me via Bunnyman's phone; if you don't know it, hurry and ask. Tonight's my last in Motown.
Until then, toodles, ta, and various other sundry things. I sleep now.
(Oh, and by the way, for any Browncoats in West Virginia, I've made us a Yahoo Group at Bunnyman's behest, 'cos he's all into that sort of thing (as am I but not the organizing); you can find it here.)
5.03.2006
Dr. Chalupa is a benevolent and righteous dictator
I, for one, welcome my new Foreign Language Dept. overlords.
Scheduling is somewhat sorted. It seems next year I shall be living in Chitwood, pulling my hair out over huge quantities of japanese homework and german-language norse mythology research. I have been admitted to my capstone, hurrah hurrah. 20-page research paper of death awaits me. And I'm signed up for, and am thinking about keeping, Russian. My college career consists of shoving as many foreign grammars in my head as possible. I could have 18 hours next semester, only 9 of which I need for graduation. What am I thinking? I dunno. I'd better make sure I have many ink cartridges for papers. I must be insane.
Two more days. Right now I can't see straight. Off to unconsciousness.
Scheduling is somewhat sorted. It seems next year I shall be living in Chitwood, pulling my hair out over huge quantities of japanese homework and german-language norse mythology research. I have been admitted to my capstone, hurrah hurrah. 20-page research paper of death awaits me. And I'm signed up for, and am thinking about keeping, Russian. My college career consists of shoving as many foreign grammars in my head as possible. I could have 18 hours next semester, only 9 of which I need for graduation. What am I thinking? I dunno. I'd better make sure I have many ink cartridges for papers. I must be insane.
Two more days. Right now I can't see straight. Off to unconsciousness.
4.30.2006
cough hack wheeze
All existential angst aside, I feel like crud. It's the quarterly "You're not gonna have any fun at the beginning of break" malady I always seem to get at these times of year. It can't be at a time when I have time to waste, oh no... Gotta be compounded with finals and scheduling and moving and all that. Joy of joys.
Good news though, I do get to schedule. And I'll get a W instead of an F (hopefully) for my oft-neglected German class. Dr. Chalupa is awesome. And she gave me an A- on my Nietzsche class. Thus ends my foray into grad school. Things, once again, work out for the best. At least until the next crisis rolls along. One more year to go... thank the gods. Jeebus. Something. I've made it this far.
For the summer? I want to make a biodiesel refinery. I will make many tacos, play some video games, drink some beer. Likely no vacation. Oh well.
For right now, Mythbusters and Stephen King-iness...
Good news though, I do get to schedule. And I'll get a W instead of an F (hopefully) for my oft-neglected German class. Dr. Chalupa is awesome. And she gave me an A- on my Nietzsche class. Thus ends my foray into grad school. Things, once again, work out for the best. At least until the next crisis rolls along. One more year to go... thank the gods. Jeebus. Something. I've made it this far.
For the summer? I want to make a biodiesel refinery. I will make many tacos, play some video games, drink some beer. Likely no vacation. Oh well.
For right now, Mythbusters and Stephen King-iness...
4.26.2006
whot then?
Finals suck. The Silent Hill movie is the shit. And I like Slim Jims and Mountain Dew.
That is all.
A week and a half 'till the real world again...
That is all.
A week and a half 'till the real world again...
4.20.2006
questions
Do facts and behavior patterns make up the entirety of a person? Everyone gets a piece of the story, no two alike ever. Are these pieces adaptations to the person at hand, or actual fragments of a whole?
What do you do when you realize you don't exist?
I would add to that a question as to whether or not I'm a placator, a yes-man, but I'd just get placating answers in return.
You're blind and talking to a wall. You memorize every detail of that wall, each whorl and crevice in the wood, the smell of the paint. Do you know the person behind that wall?
It is you who I think does not understand. God help me if I'm becoming a teenager again.
What do you do when you realize you don't exist?
I would add to that a question as to whether or not I'm a placator, a yes-man, but I'd just get placating answers in return.
You're blind and talking to a wall. You memorize every detail of that wall, each whorl and crevice in the wood, the smell of the paint. Do you know the person behind that wall?
It is you who I think does not understand. God help me if I'm becoming a teenager again.
4.18.2006
april showers bring end-of-semester panic
So it seems that the lovely folks at ResNet have decided to block the profile.myspace.com and myspace.com domains for no real reason, which doesn't prevent access to any of the other subdomains but removes any of the useful ones. Just when I had some work to do there, as some "friend" of Bunnyman's has decided to post a profile of him (badly spelled) with a photo of him in another "friend's" lace teddy. Then proclaim that he's a lingerie model and announce it to people at his workplace. Which is pretty damned funny until you consider that things on the internet never go away, and his bosses don't have much of a sense of humor, and people in Elkins are all a bunch of gossp hounds. So I found a proxy that works. Yay. I don't get it, they don't block facebook, which puts up significantly more of your personal information, and yet myspace is horrible and must be stopped. By people who have apparently never heard of proxies. Eh.
Serenity is almost done, the paper macheing has yet to commence. Good, considering it's due tomorrow. The end of the semester is slipping faster forwards and I've only been attending two classes with regularity. I also have no classes for next semester yet. I think I need a vacation. Or something. Eek.
Serenity is almost done, the paper macheing has yet to commence. Good, considering it's due tomorrow. The end of the semester is slipping faster forwards and I've only been attending two classes with regularity. I also have no classes for next semester yet. I think I need a vacation. Or something. Eek.
4.12.2006
covered in glue
I am building a model of the Serenity ship from Firefly for my sci-fi writing class, and I think this would be going a lot better if I had bigger images on card stock. Fiddling with half a million little tabs and glue stick is a chore. As is decyphering the Spanish instructions. But I persevere.
If you want to try, go here.
I should be going to bed. But I shall continue to cut things.
If you want to try, go here.
I should be going to bed. But I shall continue to cut things.
4.07.2006
Ow.
The vampires call me three times a week, and I go finally to placate them, and what do I get? Some bastard nurse guy (who looked younger than me) manouvering a huge needle around repeatedly trying to hit my vein. Guy almost blew the thing. He did tell me he was an idiot, which I guess is okay. Unprompted, no less. The other nurses were trying to figure out if they'd be able to use my blood or not. Vampiric bastards took more than a pint of it, they'd better at least ship it off somewhere to do something useful. Thus I am granted a three-month-or-so reprive from their harassment. And my arm hurts. Still. Bastards.
Now I am on my post-vampiricizing drunken binge. And still managed to get Japanese done. In kana, no less. I say huzzah for drunken language skills.
I ran the booth for most of the day today. Tomorrow comes my panel, which I hope maybe someone shows up for, and the Gay-La, which I have promised to do some form of entertainment I know not what. I suppose I'll bring my notebook and we'll decide when the time comes. I could be singing a capella with lyrics from a placemat. This seems to be the general theme of this year's Pride Week --- wing it and see what happens.
Gumby gives an excellent impromptu back massage. Just place yourself in front of him and if you've got vag he might start rubbing. It'e better than Gibran's, and he hasn't been trained. The straight boyfriend can't do it when asked, but the flamer does it well umprompted. I reccomend.
A teddy bear's exploding on the TV. And I think we're going to Ozzfest this year. Lacuna Coil will be there. Yay!
Sorry, there was more I wanted to say that was a bit more pertanent and included links, but I've forgotten. Blame the teddy bear. I shall finish my beer, set my alarm, and read Solaris until I fall asleep.
Now I am on my post-vampiricizing drunken binge. And still managed to get Japanese done. In kana, no less. I say huzzah for drunken language skills.
I ran the booth for most of the day today. Tomorrow comes my panel, which I hope maybe someone shows up for, and the Gay-La, which I have promised to do some form of entertainment I know not what. I suppose I'll bring my notebook and we'll decide when the time comes. I could be singing a capella with lyrics from a placemat. This seems to be the general theme of this year's Pride Week --- wing it and see what happens.
Gumby gives an excellent impromptu back massage. Just place yourself in front of him and if you've got vag he might start rubbing. It'e better than Gibran's, and he hasn't been trained. The straight boyfriend can't do it when asked, but the flamer does it well umprompted. I reccomend.
A teddy bear's exploding on the TV. And I think we're going to Ozzfest this year. Lacuna Coil will be there. Yay!
Sorry, there was more I wanted to say that was a bit more pertanent and included links, but I've forgotten. Blame the teddy bear. I shall finish my beer, set my alarm, and read Solaris until I fall asleep.
4.04.2006
memory
Sometimes people tell themselves a story so often that it becomed ingrained in memory as fact, and they believe it unless proven otherwise. Sometimes that happens in reverse. So many things happen in a person's life that it seems natural for us to forget things over time, even if they remain in us in other ways. They're never forgotten entirely, just dormant. The major things we remember aren't always the most important.
I have flashes every now and then of things that happened to me that I had almost forgotten entirely, and usually those spur whole trains of insight into why things are the way they are. Usually they happen during some mindless activity. Like just now, I remembered just how often my dad used to say to me "Children should be seen and not heard." I was quite a loud and boisterous child, to the extent that some called me a ham or a show-off. This is why my parents initially got me involved in the theatre. Thinking about this, though, just like remembering being locked in a closet and realizing why small spaces make me feel safe and comfortable, made me realize a few things.
I don't think my dad likes kids. Really, he doesn't much care for people in general, but kids specifically get on his nerves. He never treated us like kids, and expected his rationale for things to be transparent from an adult point of view. Whenever I'd start acting like a kid, I'd get the seen-and-not-heard line. When you're told something long enough, it starts to shape you. I'm a lot quieter than I used to be. A lot more reserved.
The anti-socialization thing seems to have affected my ability to work like other people. This got me thinking about flirting. Maybe, in some normal universe I'm not a part of, people feel comfortable flirting and recieving flirtations. Being flirted with makes me really damned uncomfortable, to the point where I'll actively avoid the people doing the flirting. Me flirting with people never happens, despite what anyone might think. For some reason I end up holding to a more polite and structured social decorum than is typical anymore. It's when I try to make an attempt to loosen up and fit to more relaxed norms of socialization that I end up making a gross faux pas. Very few other people hold to this structure, which usually results in placation and imposition. So I sit in someone's house feeling very uncomfortable that they're not making just the right degree of accomodation, and I'm worrying that I'm imposing on some scale I can't comprehend. Yet another complex justification as to why I'm not good with people. Maybe it's hereditary.
I've given up hope, too, that you're going to get back in touch with me. It probably won't happen, and thus the natural order of things has been restored. I don't do the opaque thing anymore.
So that's my semi-daily attempt at self-psychoanalysis. Oh, and this is really cool.
I have flashes every now and then of things that happened to me that I had almost forgotten entirely, and usually those spur whole trains of insight into why things are the way they are. Usually they happen during some mindless activity. Like just now, I remembered just how often my dad used to say to me "Children should be seen and not heard." I was quite a loud and boisterous child, to the extent that some called me a ham or a show-off. This is why my parents initially got me involved in the theatre. Thinking about this, though, just like remembering being locked in a closet and realizing why small spaces make me feel safe and comfortable, made me realize a few things.
I don't think my dad likes kids. Really, he doesn't much care for people in general, but kids specifically get on his nerves. He never treated us like kids, and expected his rationale for things to be transparent from an adult point of view. Whenever I'd start acting like a kid, I'd get the seen-and-not-heard line. When you're told something long enough, it starts to shape you. I'm a lot quieter than I used to be. A lot more reserved.
The anti-socialization thing seems to have affected my ability to work like other people. This got me thinking about flirting. Maybe, in some normal universe I'm not a part of, people feel comfortable flirting and recieving flirtations. Being flirted with makes me really damned uncomfortable, to the point where I'll actively avoid the people doing the flirting. Me flirting with people never happens, despite what anyone might think. For some reason I end up holding to a more polite and structured social decorum than is typical anymore. It's when I try to make an attempt to loosen up and fit to more relaxed norms of socialization that I end up making a gross faux pas. Very few other people hold to this structure, which usually results in placation and imposition. So I sit in someone's house feeling very uncomfortable that they're not making just the right degree of accomodation, and I'm worrying that I'm imposing on some scale I can't comprehend. Yet another complex justification as to why I'm not good with people. Maybe it's hereditary.
I've given up hope, too, that you're going to get back in touch with me. It probably won't happen, and thus the natural order of things has been restored. I don't do the opaque thing anymore.
So that's my semi-daily attempt at self-psychoanalysis. Oh, and this is really cool.
4.03.2006
One down, four to go...
The first day of pride week went as well as could be expected, if not a little better. If it weren't for Lora and William, both of whom were there out of personal sacrifice, I don't know what we would have done. So we might not have gotten a huge response, and the weather might have been less than desireable with the wind turning everything into flying projectiles, then rain soaking everything, but I think we did relatively well.
I have no clue what we're going to do about the reat of the week. We'll have events. But there's only so much mass organizing that six people can do, especially when they have classes and jobs and other commitments. Argh, tons of butchness today, and I got interviewed and photo-shot by the Dominion Post. The article'll run tomorrow, I hope. (sidenote: It's not hard to be butch when you're surrounded by queens. Just sayin'.) Still have so much more to do... and I have to suppress violent killing desires until then. Grr.
And Neil Gaiman has a lovely full-length Q&A thingie from The Guardian on over at his blog. It's like one of those dumb time-wasting internet surveys, but done by Neil Gaiman. So it's good.
La.
I have no clue what we're going to do about the reat of the week. We'll have events. But there's only so much mass organizing that six people can do, especially when they have classes and jobs and other commitments. Argh, tons of butchness today, and I got interviewed and photo-shot by the Dominion Post. The article'll run tomorrow, I hope. (sidenote: It's not hard to be butch when you're surrounded by queens. Just sayin'.) Still have so much more to do... and I have to suppress violent killing desires until then. Grr.
And Neil Gaiman has a lovely full-length Q&A thingie from The Guardian on over at his blog. It's like one of those dumb time-wasting internet surveys, but done by Neil Gaiman. So it's good.
La.
4.02.2006
emptying my browser tabs
The Very Secret Diary of Ringwraith No. 5
"Life is so still, so quietly trapped inside them, they give the impression that they’ve already died and are just waiting around to make it official."
For bored people who are good at Jeopardy.
Whoa, sweet car. Er, cathedral. Whatever.
Japanese podcast lesson thingies. No, you don't have to have an iPod. It's like free language lesson tapes.
It's like American Idol, but homemade and more tragic. Why watch reality TV? TV should be for real entertainment. The internet is for mocking people. And porn. This is funny.
The screens are built. I am crafty, despite my clumsiness. And, thanks to Sara, the Side Pocket is minus one neon sign. The faces of people trying to figure out something completely unexpected, like eight-foot tall pvc structures, are priceless.
Sleep now.
"Life is so still, so quietly trapped inside them, they give the impression that they’ve already died and are just waiting around to make it official."
For bored people who are good at Jeopardy.
Whoa, sweet car. Er, cathedral. Whatever.
Japanese podcast lesson thingies. No, you don't have to have an iPod. It's like free language lesson tapes.
It's like American Idol, but homemade and more tragic. Why watch reality TV? TV should be for real entertainment. The internet is for mocking people. And porn. This is funny.
The screens are built. I am crafty, despite my clumsiness. And, thanks to Sara, the Side Pocket is minus one neon sign. The faces of people trying to figure out something completely unexpected, like eight-foot tall pvc structures, are priceless.
Sleep now.
3.31.2006
rant: names and choking yourself
I've read in many places that the best way to combat writer's block is to keep writing, wherever that may be. So that's what I'm doing, while I should be writing the paper I need to write. (I'm not procrastinating again. The new layout has nothing to do with that. I swear.)
It has been brought to my attention through the wonders of Google that someone has been running about on the internets using my name. It's highly unlikely that they'll ever stumble on my little corner here, but I'd still like to take this time to tell them to sod off, it's mine, dammit. You may have seen it on Kabbalarians or some other name site and thought it was "cool," but I put it there in the first place in a youthfully misguided attempt to get a "name reading." I know there's nothing wrong really with stealing it, but it's still irritating. I highly doubt that that is your actual name, and I enjoy being unique. Thank you.
On another note, all Wednesday night I had a succession of several very vivid and bizarre dreams involving zombies, blizzards, lesbians, advanced muscular dystrophy, and being shot in the neck, among other things. I've decided that they were likely due to the death of someone a floor below me, and the subsequent crime scene investigation that was taking place while I slept. I'd seen him around before, but didn't realize who he was exactly until I looked him up on Facebook (there's that technology again). It turns out he died accidentally hanging himself trying to get an oxygen-loss rush via choking. I guess this is some sort of bizarro trend. They call it "pass-out", or "the choking game", or some equally silly fabricated title.
You see folks, this is what happens when we stigmatize rather than educate about drugs, or about anything. I'm watching this new generation of students soming in, and the majority of them are "good kids." Probably a little too good. Most of them are sheep to the worst degree, symptomatic of the propaganda of all sorts that has been spoon-fed to them from the first moment mom and dad plopped them in front of the TV set. Most of them wouldn't dream of doing drugs, or of being openly promiscuous, or even of smoking. Why? We have things like the D.A.R.E. program and bizarre "Anti-drug" commercials and the Truth campaign and abstinence education. All of these things seemed well-meant at the time. But no one really took into consideration what the long-term effects might be of anything. People are going to have sex. And people are going to search for ways to alter their perceptions of reality when they get tired of the mundane one they're living in.
So what do we have now? Increased teen pregnancy in a lot of areas, for one. And if SD gets its way, no safe way to keep kids from ruining their lives either. Kids are taught to abstain, which doesn't work as there'll always be one more sexually experienced "cool" kid that all the other kids want to be like. So they go about fucking, oblivious to how reproduction and disease actually works. They shouldn't have to shock you about STDs and pregnancy in college. People should already know.
We also have bizarro anti-smoking regulations popping up everywhere based on lies. We all know that cigarette smoke contains carcinogens, and smoking is bad. But secondhand smoke? Most of the research that says that secondhand smoke causes cancer is based on an EPA study that was thrown out in court for making a priori judgements, among other things. Yes, some people are allergic to it. The rest of you, fuck off. The air you breathe outside is worse. This is a personal issue of mine.
And as for the drugs? It's so ingrained that "doing drugs will ruin your life," and that even relatively harmless and inexpensive drugs like marijuana are "gateways," that people stay away from them out of terror. Which is a good thing, right? Yet when kids hear about something new that's legal, doesn't require chemicals and is undetectable, and will give you a "high," they automatically want to try it out to see what all the fuss is about. To try to see the world a little differently.
So now we've got problems like huffing (which is also very dumb, but is also becoming stigmatized as a gateway) and choking. It seems inevitable that people will want to seek out new experiences. Now, though, they're going to only try the ones that they haven't been terrified away from. Those are proving to be more idiotic than the ones that have been made illegal. What'll we have next, anti-choking commercials and kids killing themselves trying to get high with water?
It really wasn't that kid's fault that he choked himself to death. He was just looking for something different, and was likely scared away from anything else at an early age. I feel sorry for his friends and family. This is your brain on propaganda and terrorism. This is your brain on a new and growing fear culture.
That said, please don't go choke yourselves. I'm short and probably won't be able to reach you to cut you down.
It has been brought to my attention through the wonders of Google that someone has been running about on the internets using my name. It's highly unlikely that they'll ever stumble on my little corner here, but I'd still like to take this time to tell them to sod off, it's mine, dammit. You may have seen it on Kabbalarians or some other name site and thought it was "cool," but I put it there in the first place in a youthfully misguided attempt to get a "name reading." I know there's nothing wrong really with stealing it, but it's still irritating. I highly doubt that that is your actual name, and I enjoy being unique. Thank you.
On another note, all Wednesday night I had a succession of several very vivid and bizarre dreams involving zombies, blizzards, lesbians, advanced muscular dystrophy, and being shot in the neck, among other things. I've decided that they were likely due to the death of someone a floor below me, and the subsequent crime scene investigation that was taking place while I slept. I'd seen him around before, but didn't realize who he was exactly until I looked him up on Facebook (there's that technology again). It turns out he died accidentally hanging himself trying to get an oxygen-loss rush via choking. I guess this is some sort of bizarro trend. They call it "pass-out", or "the choking game", or some equally silly fabricated title.
You see folks, this is what happens when we stigmatize rather than educate about drugs, or about anything. I'm watching this new generation of students soming in, and the majority of them are "good kids." Probably a little too good. Most of them are sheep to the worst degree, symptomatic of the propaganda of all sorts that has been spoon-fed to them from the first moment mom and dad plopped them in front of the TV set. Most of them wouldn't dream of doing drugs, or of being openly promiscuous, or even of smoking. Why? We have things like the D.A.R.E. program and bizarre "Anti-drug" commercials and the Truth campaign and abstinence education. All of these things seemed well-meant at the time. But no one really took into consideration what the long-term effects might be of anything. People are going to have sex. And people are going to search for ways to alter their perceptions of reality when they get tired of the mundane one they're living in.
So what do we have now? Increased teen pregnancy in a lot of areas, for one. And if SD gets its way, no safe way to keep kids from ruining their lives either. Kids are taught to abstain, which doesn't work as there'll always be one more sexually experienced "cool" kid that all the other kids want to be like. So they go about fucking, oblivious to how reproduction and disease actually works. They shouldn't have to shock you about STDs and pregnancy in college. People should already know.
We also have bizarro anti-smoking regulations popping up everywhere based on lies. We all know that cigarette smoke contains carcinogens, and smoking is bad. But secondhand smoke? Most of the research that says that secondhand smoke causes cancer is based on an EPA study that was thrown out in court for making a priori judgements, among other things. Yes, some people are allergic to it. The rest of you, fuck off. The air you breathe outside is worse. This is a personal issue of mine.
And as for the drugs? It's so ingrained that "doing drugs will ruin your life," and that even relatively harmless and inexpensive drugs like marijuana are "gateways," that people stay away from them out of terror. Which is a good thing, right? Yet when kids hear about something new that's legal, doesn't require chemicals and is undetectable, and will give you a "high," they automatically want to try it out to see what all the fuss is about. To try to see the world a little differently.
So now we've got problems like huffing (which is also very dumb, but is also becoming stigmatized as a gateway) and choking. It seems inevitable that people will want to seek out new experiences. Now, though, they're going to only try the ones that they haven't been terrified away from. Those are proving to be more idiotic than the ones that have been made illegal. What'll we have next, anti-choking commercials and kids killing themselves trying to get high with water?
It really wasn't that kid's fault that he choked himself to death. He was just looking for something different, and was likely scared away from anything else at an early age. I feel sorry for his friends and family. This is your brain on propaganda and terrorism. This is your brain on a new and growing fear culture.
That said, please don't go choke yourselves. I'm short and probably won't be able to reach you to cut you down.
3.30.2006
Woo new layout.
I actually did a little work on this one and, in my eternal procrastination, learned a little about CSS style sheets. Yay for me. What else have I learned?
- Elvish calligraphy
- random things about sleep disorders
- that the film Un Chien Andalou is seriously odd
- that Arabic is a really strange language to try to figure out how to write on your own
- that St. Germaine is an apparently immortal occult figure who helped Edison with his inventions
- that it's possible to give your ears a thorough and safe as you'd think cleaning with a bobby pin
- that there are many different types of hymens and no one seems to know much about them
- that sleep is very good, but not so much during daylight hours as it interferes with productivity
3.22.2006
So this is where my life is now.
I'm writing this at home, unhooked to the wonders of the intarwub. Just a little lonely 'cos the house is empty. This has caused me to think again, which we all know in this world is just a little dangerous. Thinking is, of course, not encouraged. Unless it's for a class, or some kind of business/money-making exploits.
3.09.2006
I shall devour all that I see...
Exactly that. Watch your back. And the word of the day is "tahmer."
I am incredibly restless. I need to get my passport renewed desperately, but at the same time it might not be such a good idea, considering that at any given moment I feel like flying to someplace strange and foreign. The only things preventing me are obligations, money... and lack of a valid passport. Damn. There's something wholly awesome about that feeling stepping off an airplane into uncharted territory, with nothing but a few bags and a deep breath. I want that now. Being able to forget everything here, start a brand new life, enter into something strange and new...
It's not like there's anything particularly wrong with this life. It's just that a change is always nice, and my wanderlust is kicking in again rather hardcore. It's been about four years since I've been on a vacation (even within the state), five since I've had sex with a girl, and about two months since sex period. Sex I can do without most of the time, but the wandering... the road always calls me. Sometimes more strongly than other times. I think I'm going to have a hard time settling down and having a normal life. Thank the gods that school things will be over in a year, and I can go somewhere different. Somehow the lifestyles I choose and the ones I crave are wildly contradictory, and I believe I am doomed to dissatisfaction. Happy? Yes. Restless and searching? Yes, too. Hm.
I am half lesbian artist/travel journalist, and half domesticated wife-student. Grr. These things do not fit well together.
They talk all the time in German classes about the exchange trips they're going on, and the other ones offered. Part of being a language major is seeing the places you're studying. The professors have stopped trying to convince me to go on trips, telling me about the scholarships offered and how I might be able to get it all paid for. Cos it's not just about the money, it's about the time spent somewhere else that could be used for making more money, which can in turn be used for the bills and such. I would love to go to Vulda or Bamberg and study there for a summer or semester. But I can't. I have to be here. I have obligations.
My sister's going to China this summer. My parents are going to be touring western Europe. Other people are going to exotic beachy places next week. During all those times, I will be working break-back hours at la taqueria de elkins. Making money. As is my purpose in this world.
Reminds me of what I told John when he asked me if I wanted to go on the hall's NYC trip. I told him I couldn't, I was broke. He said they'd charge it to my student account. I told him that that was all fine and good, but I'd still be broke when I got there. Broke in Motown, broke in NYC... still broke. And probably a lot more pleasant to be broke at home.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not unhappy. Not even depressed for once. Just wishing for a little change of pace, like I could change my circumstances as often as my hair color. That's not the way life works. I just miss some things I've never had, and some I have had. Like being able to seriously out-of-country disappear... that I miss.
And pussy. Damn, I miss pussy. Ha.
Make your life what you want it... that's a good piece of advice, but usually a laughable one. Other people fix it for you too, no matter how hard you try to stay away from them. In my mind's eye, I'm stepping out of the gate with nothing but a backpack and a wide-eyed grin, looking out onto things I've never seen before, and I am glad.
I am incredibly restless. I need to get my passport renewed desperately, but at the same time it might not be such a good idea, considering that at any given moment I feel like flying to someplace strange and foreign. The only things preventing me are obligations, money... and lack of a valid passport. Damn. There's something wholly awesome about that feeling stepping off an airplane into uncharted territory, with nothing but a few bags and a deep breath. I want that now. Being able to forget everything here, start a brand new life, enter into something strange and new...
It's not like there's anything particularly wrong with this life. It's just that a change is always nice, and my wanderlust is kicking in again rather hardcore. It's been about four years since I've been on a vacation (even within the state), five since I've had sex with a girl, and about two months since sex period. Sex I can do without most of the time, but the wandering... the road always calls me. Sometimes more strongly than other times. I think I'm going to have a hard time settling down and having a normal life. Thank the gods that school things will be over in a year, and I can go somewhere different. Somehow the lifestyles I choose and the ones I crave are wildly contradictory, and I believe I am doomed to dissatisfaction. Happy? Yes. Restless and searching? Yes, too. Hm.
I am half lesbian artist/travel journalist, and half domesticated wife-student. Grr. These things do not fit well together.
They talk all the time in German classes about the exchange trips they're going on, and the other ones offered. Part of being a language major is seeing the places you're studying. The professors have stopped trying to convince me to go on trips, telling me about the scholarships offered and how I might be able to get it all paid for. Cos it's not just about the money, it's about the time spent somewhere else that could be used for making more money, which can in turn be used for the bills and such. I would love to go to Vulda or Bamberg and study there for a summer or semester. But I can't. I have to be here. I have obligations.
My sister's going to China this summer. My parents are going to be touring western Europe. Other people are going to exotic beachy places next week. During all those times, I will be working break-back hours at la taqueria de elkins. Making money. As is my purpose in this world.
Reminds me of what I told John when he asked me if I wanted to go on the hall's NYC trip. I told him I couldn't, I was broke. He said they'd charge it to my student account. I told him that that was all fine and good, but I'd still be broke when I got there. Broke in Motown, broke in NYC... still broke. And probably a lot more pleasant to be broke at home.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not unhappy. Not even depressed for once. Just wishing for a little change of pace, like I could change my circumstances as often as my hair color. That's not the way life works. I just miss some things I've never had, and some I have had. Like being able to seriously out-of-country disappear... that I miss.
And pussy. Damn, I miss pussy. Ha.
Make your life what you want it... that's a good piece of advice, but usually a laughable one. Other people fix it for you too, no matter how hard you try to stay away from them. In my mind's eye, I'm stepping out of the gate with nothing but a backpack and a wide-eyed grin, looking out onto things I've never seen before, and I am glad.
3.02.2006
woo boredom.
A big sigh of relief, everybody. All together now, one...two...three...ahhh. Somehow things feel a bit more like they're going to be okay. I'm not entirely sure why; maybe it's the sudden change in the weather.
I found a good test. Yay. Mouse over the colors to see what they mean.
My Personal Dna Report
Oh, and if you're bored and want to pass judgement (like the almighty whatzit you are) go here.
Back to reading silly Stephen King-iness. He's like Anne Rice on inhalants: kinda dumb and slow but for some reason you just keep coming back knowing you'll be disappointed again. I should make a Masochist's Book List.
Also, as a side note, I think the Blogger word verification thing I use to keep from getting comments like "Loved your site! Come see how to get Vi@grA for free!!!!111eleventyzz" is getting linguistically creative. Here's the word I see: "lugxdruf". Which is an interesting word, despite the x. Come to think of it, x is kind of a useless letter anyway. It looks cool I suppose, but anything it does can just as easily be done with a z (which is cooler, in my humble opinion), or a cks combination. Hmm. Anyway. Back to being disappointed.
I found a good test. Yay. Mouse over the colors to see what they mean.
My Personal Dna Report
Oh, and if you're bored and want to pass judgement (like the almighty whatzit you are) go here.
Back to reading silly Stephen King-iness. He's like Anne Rice on inhalants: kinda dumb and slow but for some reason you just keep coming back knowing you'll be disappointed again. I should make a Masochist's Book List.
Also, as a side note, I think the Blogger word verification thing I use to keep from getting comments like "Loved your site! Come see how to get Vi@grA for free!!!!111eleventyzz" is getting linguistically creative. Here's the word I see: "lugxdruf". Which is an interesting word, despite the x. Come to think of it, x is kind of a useless letter anyway. It looks cool I suppose, but anything it does can just as easily be done with a z (which is cooler, in my humble opinion), or a cks combination. Hmm. Anyway. Back to being disappointed.
2.16.2006
survey of boredom and time-wastingness
1. My grandpa once: ate raw chunks of salted hamburger meat. Actually, he did this all the time. Always offered me some, and laughed when I said no. Weird. He also once got a Purple Heart for being shot in the ass in Korea.
2. Never in my life have I: gone hunting.
3. The one person who can drive me nuts but also makes me smile: Bunnyman
4. High School was: an utter waste of time and sanity. I'm trying to think of positive experiences that came from it and I can't think of one, besides learning how to exploit loopholes in systems.
5. When I'm nervous: I hide. I don't get nervous often though.
6. The last time I cried was: a few months ago.
7. My hair is: currently a bit dirty and too long for my tastes. Also remnants of three different colors. This must be fixed.
8. My feet are: very large. They also make me like a weebl-wobble so I don't fall down. Low center of gravity, see.
9. When I was 5: I was a compulsive liar. I also couldn't tell time or tie my shoes, even though I could read quite well.
10. Last Christmas I: went to my Aunt's, sans Bunnyman, then spent a day doing the family rounds.
11. When I turn my head left: I see the radiator, assorted condiments, The Gashlycrumb Tinies, a full ashtray, a window, a fan, and some shoes.
12. When I turn my head right: I see the door, and a large school-related mess.
14. The craziest recent event was: Um... Events that seem crazy at the time never seem so crazy a while afterwards. Though riding the freight elevator in the MSB was cool. As was walking into the back door of U92 and leaving them a whole lot of thumbtacks. I hope they appreciated them.
15. If I was a character on 'Friends' I'd be: I really hate that show. Really, truly.
16. By this time next year: hopefully I'll be preparing to graduate. I'll also probably be going crazy from German research papers. I dread my capstone.
17. I have a hard time understanding: why some people work the way they do. I mean, I can logically come up with reasons why, but that doesn't mean the results make any sense.
18. You know I "like" you if I: uhh, kiss you? Actually, you'd probably never know that unless you made the first move. Even then you still might not know, considering that just because something happens doesn't necessarily mean I "like" you that way.
19. If I won an award, the first person (people) I'd thank would be:The first person? Probably whoever handed me the award. Ha.
20. My ideal breakfast is: I don't really eat breakfast. But lately I've been wanting cereal.
21. If you visit my hometown: you would be indescribably bored, as there's absolutely nothing to do. Maybe we'd get drunk in the woods and then go to Hardee's.
22. Where I plan to visit soon: Home? Um... The last time I went anywhere that would constitute a trip was in October. I haven't been on any sort of vacation in about four years.
23. If you spend the night at my house: we'll clear the clothes off of the Sleepy Couch and you can stay there. It's amazingly comfortable. But you must beware of messes. And there's no food in the house with which to feed you. Now, if it's in the dorm, we'll have to go through a roundabout process of getting you in, and there's really no place for two people to sleep, as the bed's a twin and the floor's quite hard.
24. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: die, I suppose. Really, there's lots worse things I'd do. If you're willing to pay me about $500 I'd even eat it.
25. Most recent thing you've bought yourself: aside from food, an awesome super-soft pink pillow from goodwill (new from target but discounted due to dirt), the kind that has the arms on each side, y'know what i mean?
26. Most recent thing someone else bought you: A video game, Corpse Bride on DVD, a dozen roses and a stuffed elephant from Bunnyman for V Day.
27. My favorite blonde is: Um. Suddenly all hair colours in my mind are not fixed.
28. My favorite redhead is: Once again... Now, I;ve been both, see.
29. And by the way: happy belated valentine's day to all of you, even if you hate it.
30. The last time I was drunk: probably two Thursdays ago. I would have been drunk last weekend, but I was sick, which really amounts to somewhat the same thing.
31. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: Cats. And me.
32. Last night, I: got driven around for a bit by Manhaw, then sat up in my room, talked on the phone, read a book, and was generally boring.
33. There's a girl I know who: tried to have sex with passed-out people at parties. It was sort of an initation ritual for you to wake up drunk with her straddling you. For a while there was a rumor going around that she masturbated with someone's gearshift. I suppose that rumor's still going around.
34. There's a guy I know who: whenever he dated a girl, she announced her lesbianism shortly after they broke up. One of the last actually stranded him in Colorado, and she could never be reached and questioned as to her sexual orientation.
35. A better name for me would be: um, my name's okay I suppose. I do like the name Max, though.
36. My birthday is: about a week from today.
2. Never in my life have I: gone hunting.
3. The one person who can drive me nuts but also makes me smile: Bunnyman
4. High School was: an utter waste of time and sanity. I'm trying to think of positive experiences that came from it and I can't think of one, besides learning how to exploit loopholes in systems.
5. When I'm nervous: I hide. I don't get nervous often though.
6. The last time I cried was: a few months ago.
7. My hair is: currently a bit dirty and too long for my tastes. Also remnants of three different colors. This must be fixed.
8. My feet are: very large. They also make me like a weebl-wobble so I don't fall down. Low center of gravity, see.
9. When I was 5: I was a compulsive liar. I also couldn't tell time or tie my shoes, even though I could read quite well.
10. Last Christmas I: went to my Aunt's, sans Bunnyman, then spent a day doing the family rounds.
11. When I turn my head left: I see the radiator, assorted condiments, The Gashlycrumb Tinies, a full ashtray, a window, a fan, and some shoes.
12. When I turn my head right: I see the door, and a large school-related mess.
14. The craziest recent event was: Um... Events that seem crazy at the time never seem so crazy a while afterwards. Though riding the freight elevator in the MSB was cool. As was walking into the back door of U92 and leaving them a whole lot of thumbtacks. I hope they appreciated them.
15. If I was a character on 'Friends' I'd be: I really hate that show. Really, truly.
16. By this time next year: hopefully I'll be preparing to graduate. I'll also probably be going crazy from German research papers. I dread my capstone.
17. I have a hard time understanding: why some people work the way they do. I mean, I can logically come up with reasons why, but that doesn't mean the results make any sense.
18. You know I "like" you if I: uhh, kiss you? Actually, you'd probably never know that unless you made the first move. Even then you still might not know, considering that just because something happens doesn't necessarily mean I "like" you that way.
19. If I won an award, the first person (people) I'd thank would be:The first person? Probably whoever handed me the award. Ha.
20. My ideal breakfast is: I don't really eat breakfast. But lately I've been wanting cereal.
21. If you visit my hometown: you would be indescribably bored, as there's absolutely nothing to do. Maybe we'd get drunk in the woods and then go to Hardee's.
22. Where I plan to visit soon: Home? Um... The last time I went anywhere that would constitute a trip was in October. I haven't been on any sort of vacation in about four years.
23. If you spend the night at my house: we'll clear the clothes off of the Sleepy Couch and you can stay there. It's amazingly comfortable. But you must beware of messes. And there's no food in the house with which to feed you. Now, if it's in the dorm, we'll have to go through a roundabout process of getting you in, and there's really no place for two people to sleep, as the bed's a twin and the floor's quite hard.
24. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: die, I suppose. Really, there's lots worse things I'd do. If you're willing to pay me about $500 I'd even eat it.
25. Most recent thing you've bought yourself: aside from food, an awesome super-soft pink pillow from goodwill (new from target but discounted due to dirt), the kind that has the arms on each side, y'know what i mean?
26. Most recent thing someone else bought you: A video game, Corpse Bride on DVD, a dozen roses and a stuffed elephant from Bunnyman for V Day.
27. My favorite blonde is: Um. Suddenly all hair colours in my mind are not fixed.
28. My favorite redhead is: Once again... Now, I;ve been both, see.
29. And by the way: happy belated valentine's day to all of you, even if you hate it.
30. The last time I was drunk: probably two Thursdays ago. I would have been drunk last weekend, but I was sick, which really amounts to somewhat the same thing.
31. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: Cats. And me.
32. Last night, I: got driven around for a bit by Manhaw, then sat up in my room, talked on the phone, read a book, and was generally boring.
33. There's a girl I know who: tried to have sex with passed-out people at parties. It was sort of an initation ritual for you to wake up drunk with her straddling you. For a while there was a rumor going around that she masturbated with someone's gearshift. I suppose that rumor's still going around.
34. There's a guy I know who: whenever he dated a girl, she announced her lesbianism shortly after they broke up. One of the last actually stranded him in Colorado, and she could never be reached and questioned as to her sexual orientation.
35. A better name for me would be: um, my name's okay I suppose. I do like the name Max, though.
36. My birthday is: about a week from today.
2.10.2006
going to mars to meet the president
I don't think it's a good idea to read "Transmetropolitan" and lie down to sleep when you're very likely going to have fever dreams. Even my waking thoughts run a bit like a fever dream. Bunnyman is very likely mad at me but there's not much I can do about it, all I want is to not leave. The cold worms are making their egg sacs in my skin once again and though I'd like company now they talk too damn much. I was thinking that if someone put a hit out on me we could run to Tallahassee and be a political couple. I think they broke in and filled my lungs with legos. A hit would have been easier.
I am amazed at my typing ability. It's hard to breathe and apparently I've ruined someone's plans. Hunger is not an issue. It's the new implants. No, my ravings won't stop them 'cos they're cocky with their pepper spray, but it won't work on legos.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go die now. Ressurrection on Sunday. Bring your friends.
I am amazed at my typing ability. It's hard to breathe and apparently I've ruined someone's plans. Hunger is not an issue. It's the new implants. No, my ravings won't stop them 'cos they're cocky with their pepper spray, but it won't work on legos.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go die now. Ressurrection on Sunday. Bring your friends.
2.02.2006
I am staging a coup
Exactly what it says. Yes.
Trying to disappear off the face of the earth doesn't exactly work as well as it used to. Whatever happened to the good ol' days where one could keep their head down to the extent that no one knew they existed? Or when they were noticed, were routinely mistaken for another person entirely? Twelve missed calls later... Yeah. Not working at all.
On another note, people really don't have to give me reasons to do even more research on useless subjects just to expand my knowledge on whatever. I do enough of that kind of stuff on my own without having a similarly useless reason to do it. Now, taking advantage of it is another thing entirely. I should encourage you do take advantage of it, because at the end of the day maybe I'll feel like I'm doing something worthwhile with my time. Or something. If you need to know about something but don't want to take the time to know it, ask me and I'll report back in a few days with a load of trivia, and maybe something about earwax. And sea cucumbers. I could hire myself out as a professional expert.
And on yet another note, I'm bored of waiting, and drinking isn't solving the problem. Someone entertain me.
It will be several days before anyone reads this.
Trying to disappear off the face of the earth doesn't exactly work as well as it used to. Whatever happened to the good ol' days where one could keep their head down to the extent that no one knew they existed? Or when they were noticed, were routinely mistaken for another person entirely? Twelve missed calls later... Yeah. Not working at all.
On another note, people really don't have to give me reasons to do even more research on useless subjects just to expand my knowledge on whatever. I do enough of that kind of stuff on my own without having a similarly useless reason to do it. Now, taking advantage of it is another thing entirely. I should encourage you do take advantage of it, because at the end of the day maybe I'll feel like I'm doing something worthwhile with my time. Or something. If you need to know about something but don't want to take the time to know it, ask me and I'll report back in a few days with a load of trivia, and maybe something about earwax. And sea cucumbers. I could hire myself out as a professional expert.
And on yet another note, I'm bored of waiting, and drinking isn't solving the problem. Someone entertain me.
It will be several days before anyone reads this.
1.29.2006
revenge of the... whatever.
When I was still slaving away overe the fryers at the local Wendy's, Bunnyman and I met. Much debauchery ensued, of course, but it wasn't all like that. Most know about the debauchery. Many don't have any idea about the everything else. Obviously there was something, otherwise I wouldn't be with him for going on four or five years. (Never been good at time.)
Anyhow, I was into calligraphy at the time, and Bunnyman and I were talking after work. Everyone had left, and we were in the parking lot. It was winter, and it was snowing. I forget the exact topics occuring in the situation, but suddenly there was a thermal. It was swirling around us, on the parking markers we were sitting on. Everything was warm, with the snow blowing in a whirlwind. We talked, and later I wrote this poem, in calligraphy on parchment. I rolled it up, tied it with ribbon, and gave it to him one night. He still has it. And one day, when an ex showed up, he quoted a line. And I knew he understood it.
This was later read to a full house during a gig back home. One guy back there still knows me as "The Poet". Huh. I don't do it anymore. Yes I'm drunk, shut up. Anyway, here it is.
The Unknowns
(for C.)
It's easy
to predict the weather
when it's the same everyday:
Rainy with a chance
of stardust.
But not much.
You find it less
everyday.
The only dragon left is silence:
immune to the screams
of itself.
Waiting for the teeth
to take you,
waiting for this scene
to fade to black.
But unknown,
they cannot touch you;
unknown these visions
make no sense to even you.
Manifesting dullness,
perpetuating shame,
the falling assist
the fallen in their descent,
but those lost in limbo
can only dance alone.
A release:
the peace of a coming day
a bent horizon
a lost cause.
Somehow, that which fortifies,
poisons;
and nothing but those pinpricks remain,
fading,
the teeth,
and waiting.
No child
should become
so old.
No more beer. Time for bed.
Anyhow, I was into calligraphy at the time, and Bunnyman and I were talking after work. Everyone had left, and we were in the parking lot. It was winter, and it was snowing. I forget the exact topics occuring in the situation, but suddenly there was a thermal. It was swirling around us, on the parking markers we were sitting on. Everything was warm, with the snow blowing in a whirlwind. We talked, and later I wrote this poem, in calligraphy on parchment. I rolled it up, tied it with ribbon, and gave it to him one night. He still has it. And one day, when an ex showed up, he quoted a line. And I knew he understood it.
This was later read to a full house during a gig back home. One guy back there still knows me as "The Poet". Huh. I don't do it anymore. Yes I'm drunk, shut up. Anyway, here it is.
The Unknowns
(for C.)
It's easy
to predict the weather
when it's the same everyday:
Rainy with a chance
of stardust.
But not much.
You find it less
everyday.
The only dragon left is silence:
immune to the screams
of itself.
Waiting for the teeth
to take you,
waiting for this scene
to fade to black.
But unknown,
they cannot touch you;
unknown these visions
make no sense to even you.
Manifesting dullness,
perpetuating shame,
the falling assist
the fallen in their descent,
but those lost in limbo
can only dance alone.
A release:
the peace of a coming day
a bent horizon
a lost cause.
Somehow, that which fortifies,
poisons;
and nothing but those pinpricks remain,
fading,
the teeth,
and waiting.
No child
should become
so old.
No more beer. Time for bed.
1.28.2006
love
As one can see from the timestamp here, I haven't been to sleep yet, 'cos there's no way in hell I'd be up at this hour any other way. Yeah.
So I got to perusing some long-dead sites made by people different then than they are now, and I started thinking about love. In an evolutionary sense, it's kind of strange. Many species in order to be successful use the tactic of spreading their seed as far and as often as possible, in order to get some kind of genetic variety out there or something. It's odd to think that we often saddle oursevles with someone in complete defiance of this tactic. I'm really too tired to be thinking about this, as I can come up with a lot of counterarguments to my hypothesis right off the top of my head. And I'm using an excess of ten-dollar words to think about it. See? Tired.
What I was really thinking of, was that love---you know, honest, real love---never goes away. Meaning that love and hate can coexist in a person with regard to anyone or anything. And maybe that's some kind of survival technique for people in groups, for people who are afraid of being alone. When things get weird, that stays. Funny.
I miss making things. All I really have are the old things I've made, the ones that make me think about things that don't exist anymore, and never will again. Those wild nights with drunken women singing and dancing until 3 a.m. or until the cops came too many times, rocking in an orchard of apple or antique oak; smoky french pubs where men flattered you because you were young and because you made music; nights spent in the woods under a crystalline sky; making giant bowls of mac and cheese at four in the afternoon and laughing at the fact that this was breakfast, luch, and dinner, and not caring; painting and rolling in paint; the silence in a backstage room with the sun peeking through cracks in black plastic; the joy of feathers and bubbles. Thinking back to some time when I wasn't nearly as jaded as I thought I was and the only thing in the world to worry about was your own impending demise and even that didn't worry you too much. It all goes, and it all remains.
I guess I just kind of get wistful sometimes and indulge myself, not out of a sense of regret, but out of a partial "what if" and a complete fullness, sense of knowing where I've been and what it meant at the time and now. Where can you indulge in selfish reflection if not in an online journal? Intarwub's full of 'em.
This is an appropriate song:
I never thought it would be like this
a stranger you should have missed
never thought it would be this way
so get down on your knees and pray
Gey down on your knees and pray
pray that these angels will go away
looking for something you'll never find
never bring you that peace of mind
Things were changing a moment ago
sometimes it's fast & sometimes it's slow
you never thought it would be like this
maybe that stranger you could have missed
You never thought it would be this way
better get down on your knees and pray
pray
pray
pray
oh-oh, get down on your knees and pray
A thousand strangers you should have kissed
a thousand places you would have missed
a thousand angels will go away
better get down on your knees and pray
- dreamed up on a Scottie's placemat a long time ago with someone else, later sung a capella and with musical accompaniment to middle-aged women and crazy Germans and Spaniards, respectively.
First light is up. I'd better quit before I come up with more things that make no sense to anyone but me really, and before I start contemplating the grammar of everything I've just said. None of l'esprit de escalier: it's off to bed. Or something. Maybe just something.
So I got to perusing some long-dead sites made by people different then than they are now, and I started thinking about love. In an evolutionary sense, it's kind of strange. Many species in order to be successful use the tactic of spreading their seed as far and as often as possible, in order to get some kind of genetic variety out there or something. It's odd to think that we often saddle oursevles with someone in complete defiance of this tactic. I'm really too tired to be thinking about this, as I can come up with a lot of counterarguments to my hypothesis right off the top of my head. And I'm using an excess of ten-dollar words to think about it. See? Tired.
What I was really thinking of, was that love---you know, honest, real love---never goes away. Meaning that love and hate can coexist in a person with regard to anyone or anything. And maybe that's some kind of survival technique for people in groups, for people who are afraid of being alone. When things get weird, that stays. Funny.
I miss making things. All I really have are the old things I've made, the ones that make me think about things that don't exist anymore, and never will again. Those wild nights with drunken women singing and dancing until 3 a.m. or until the cops came too many times, rocking in an orchard of apple or antique oak; smoky french pubs where men flattered you because you were young and because you made music; nights spent in the woods under a crystalline sky; making giant bowls of mac and cheese at four in the afternoon and laughing at the fact that this was breakfast, luch, and dinner, and not caring; painting and rolling in paint; the silence in a backstage room with the sun peeking through cracks in black plastic; the joy of feathers and bubbles. Thinking back to some time when I wasn't nearly as jaded as I thought I was and the only thing in the world to worry about was your own impending demise and even that didn't worry you too much. It all goes, and it all remains.
I guess I just kind of get wistful sometimes and indulge myself, not out of a sense of regret, but out of a partial "what if" and a complete fullness, sense of knowing where I've been and what it meant at the time and now. Where can you indulge in selfish reflection if not in an online journal? Intarwub's full of 'em.
This is an appropriate song:
I never thought it would be like this
a stranger you should have missed
never thought it would be this way
so get down on your knees and pray
Gey down on your knees and pray
pray that these angels will go away
looking for something you'll never find
never bring you that peace of mind
Things were changing a moment ago
sometimes it's fast & sometimes it's slow
you never thought it would be like this
maybe that stranger you could have missed
You never thought it would be this way
better get down on your knees and pray
pray
pray
pray
oh-oh, get down on your knees and pray
A thousand strangers you should have kissed
a thousand places you would have missed
a thousand angels will go away
better get down on your knees and pray
- dreamed up on a Scottie's placemat a long time ago with someone else, later sung a capella and with musical accompaniment to middle-aged women and crazy Germans and Spaniards, respectively.
First light is up. I'd better quit before I come up with more things that make no sense to anyone but me really, and before I start contemplating the grammar of everything I've just said. None of l'esprit de escalier: it's off to bed. Or something. Maybe just something.
1.24.2006
schleep? err...
So I laid my happy ass down to sleep at 12:30 or so, being rather tired, and it's now 4 AM. Watching episodes of Mythbusters and Penn & Teller's Bullshit while drifting into a zombie state. This is a note for any of you who're bored enough to also likely be up at 4 AM (or some similarly dead hour).
I've been sticking my head into useless research again, and soon stand to know everything there is to know about the WBC. Also electromagnetic testing. And circus freaks. It would be quite nice if there were just a major in independant study, and I could sit and study anything I wish... Just one more log on the growing fire of my pile of entirely useless knowledge.
Suffice it to say I do indeed love the intarwub.
I've also netted myself another pseudo-stalker (people who don't get hints, or statements so lacking in subtlety that they couldn't possibly be considered "hints"). And learned that my FLIT professor likes eating babies. Or something.
This is completely lacking in substance, really. Move along, move along...
I've been sticking my head into useless research again, and soon stand to know everything there is to know about the WBC. Also electromagnetic testing. And circus freaks. It would be quite nice if there were just a major in independant study, and I could sit and study anything I wish... Just one more log on the growing fire of my pile of entirely useless knowledge.
Suffice it to say I do indeed love the intarwub.
I've also netted myself another pseudo-stalker (people who don't get hints, or statements so lacking in subtlety that they couldn't possibly be considered "hints"). And learned that my FLIT professor likes eating babies. Or something.
This is completely lacking in substance, really. Move along, move along...
1.09.2006
aand... We're back.
Back in town. Break was interesting... lots of working, drinking, a bit of arguing, a bit of cuddling. I have decided I don't really like playing catch-up, and reporting what went on before... Those things were tiresome enough, and moreso typing them all up again. A part of me is dosappointed that break is over, while another is happy to be back in town. And now a calmer semester (hopefully) settles across us and I can finally think again...
Good night, Morgantown.
Good night, Morgantown.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)