rant: names and choking yourself

I've read in many places that the best way to combat writer's block is to keep writing, wherever that may be. So that's what I'm doing, while I should be writing the paper I need to write. (I'm not procrastinating again. The new layout has nothing to do with that. I swear.)

It has been brought to my attention through the wonders of Google that someone has been running about on the internets using my name. It's highly unlikely that they'll ever stumble on my little corner here, but I'd still like to take this time to tell them to sod off, it's mine, dammit. You may have seen it on Kabbalarians or some other name site and thought it was "cool," but I put it there in the first place in a youthfully misguided attempt to get a "name reading." I know there's nothing wrong really with stealing it, but it's still irritating. I highly doubt that that is your actual name, and I enjoy being unique. Thank you.

On another note, all Wednesday night I had a succession of several very vivid and bizarre dreams involving zombies, blizzards, lesbians, advanced muscular dystrophy, and being shot in the neck, among other things. I've decided that they were likely due to the death of someone a floor below me, and the subsequent crime scene investigation that was taking place while I slept. I'd seen him around before, but didn't realize who he was exactly until I looked him up on Facebook (there's that technology again). It turns out he died accidentally hanging himself trying to get an oxygen-loss rush via choking. I guess this is some sort of bizarro trend. They call it "pass-out", or "the choking game", or some equally silly fabricated title.

You see folks, this is what happens when we stigmatize rather than educate about drugs, or about anything. I'm watching this new generation of students soming in, and the majority of them are "good kids." Probably a little too good. Most of them are sheep to the worst degree, symptomatic of the propaganda of all sorts that has been spoon-fed to them from the first moment mom and dad plopped them in front of the TV set. Most of them wouldn't dream of doing drugs, or of being openly promiscuous, or even of smoking. Why? We have things like the D.A.R.E. program and bizarre "Anti-drug" commercials and the Truth campaign and abstinence education. All of these things seemed well-meant at the time. But no one really took into consideration what the long-term effects might be of anything. People are going to have sex. And people are going to search for ways to alter their perceptions of reality when they get tired of the mundane one they're living in.

So what do we have now? Increased teen pregnancy in a lot of areas, for one. And if SD gets its way, no safe way to keep kids from ruining their lives either. Kids are taught to abstain, which doesn't work as there'll always be one more sexually experienced "cool" kid that all the other kids want to be like. So they go about fucking, oblivious to how reproduction and disease actually works. They shouldn't have to shock you about STDs and pregnancy in college. People should already know.

We also have bizarro anti-smoking regulations popping up everywhere based on lies. We all know that cigarette smoke contains carcinogens, and smoking is bad. But secondhand smoke? Most of the research that says that secondhand smoke causes cancer is based on an EPA study that was thrown out in court for making a priori judgements, among other things. Yes, some people are allergic to it. The rest of you, fuck off. The air you breathe outside is worse. This is a personal issue of mine.

And as for the drugs? It's so ingrained that "doing drugs will ruin your life," and that even relatively harmless and inexpensive drugs like marijuana are "gateways," that people stay away from them out of terror. Which is a good thing, right? Yet when kids hear about something new that's legal, doesn't require chemicals and is undetectable, and will give you a "high," they automatically want to try it out to see what all the fuss is about. To try to see the world a little differently.

So now we've got problems like huffing (which is also very dumb, but is also becoming stigmatized as a gateway) and choking. It seems inevitable that people will want to seek out new experiences. Now, though, they're going to only try the ones that they haven't been terrified away from. Those are proving to be more idiotic than the ones that have been made illegal. What'll we have next, anti-choking commercials and kids killing themselves trying to get high with water?

It really wasn't that kid's fault that he choked himself to death. He was just looking for something different, and was likely scared away from anything else at an early age. I feel sorry for his friends and family. This is your brain on propaganda and terrorism. This is your brain on a new and growing fear culture.

That said, please don't go choke yourselves. I'm short and probably won't be able to reach you to cut you down.

Woo new layout.

I actually did a little work on this one and, in my eternal procrastination, learned a little about CSS style sheets. Yay for me. What else have I learned?

• Elvish calligraphy
• random things about sleep disorders
• that the film Un Chien Andalou is seriously odd
• that Arabic is a really strange language to try to figure out how to write on your own
• that St. Germaine is an apparently immortal occult figure who helped Edison with his inventions
• that it's possible to give your ears a thorough and safe as you'd think cleaning with a bobby pin
• that there are many different types of hymens and no one seems to know much about them
• that sleep is very good, but not so much during daylight hours as it interferes with productivity

This is turning out to be a very sea cucumberish sort of couple of weeks. I need to find some way to get on the same wavelength with the rest of humanity. Not entirely sure how they do it...

So this is where my life is now.

I'm writing this at home, unhooked to the wonders of the intarwub. Just a little lonely 'cos the house is empty. This has caused me to think again, which we all know in this world is just a little dangerous. Thinking is, of course, not encouraged. Unless it's for a class, or some kind of business/money-making exploits.

In the car this evening, I was thinking about what my father said. It was something about him living, literally (as he emphasized), about living his whole life in hospitals. His mother was always sick, and i got exposed to that for the first few years of my life, until she died. That lead me to thinking about where I am now, considering what everyone's been saying about this being Kiddo's first time in the hospital and all, and my own relatively few times admitted. I've been only twice for an extended period of time, and both times my parents were stressed. I understand that feeling now, kids and all, and kind of think everyone should have that. Not that it's good or anything. It's merely a life perspective thing. Sorry. I'm drinking in the house alone, because Bunnyman is staying at the hospital with Kiddo. So many things rush through me...

Like how I have to make a decision. And how I've made the right one this time. And how, hopefully, I'll continue to make the right ones. How we all behave differently when we're totally self-sufficient, and how making other people parts of ourselves changes our very attitude towards life. I understand how the couples I see act the way they do, even when others don't. It's not a simple act of obligation. It's something like breathing; you always do what comes naturally. Someone has come along and modified that part of your brain that tells you to breathe in order to include something else.

There are so many things I used to be. There are likely many things I have yet to become. Smile, remember. I do. Good or bad. I will never forget. And those hours spent in the emergency room two days ago are not unprecedented, and will likely be repeated by millions of parents. Point is though, that I have a family. And that is miles away from where I started this life, in an incubation chamber or an oxygen tent.

I am so grateful for new experience. Life is short.

Maybe I'm greedy, but I want it all before I die.

(Which could be at 30. We always said 30 would be a good year to die. And I have done a banner job so far....)

I shall devour all that I see...

Exactly that. Watch your back. And the word of the day is "tahmer."

I am incredibly restless. I need to get my passport renewed desperately, but at the same time it might not be such a good idea, considering that at any given moment I feel like flying to someplace strange and foreign. The only things preventing me are obligations, money... and lack of a valid passport. Damn. There's something wholly awesome about that feeling stepping off an airplane into uncharted territory, with nothing but a few bags and a deep breath. I want that now. Being able to forget everything here, start a brand new life, enter into something strange and new...

It's not like there's anything particularly wrong with this life. It's just that a change is always nice, and my wanderlust is kicking in again rather hardcore. It's been about four years since I've been on a vacation (even within the state), five since I've had sex with a girl, and about two months since sex period. Sex I can do without most of the time, but the wandering... the road always calls me. Sometimes more strongly than other times. I think I'm going to have a hard time settling down and having a normal life. Thank the gods that school things will be over in a year, and I can go somewhere different. Somehow the lifestyles I choose and the ones I crave are wildly contradictory, and I believe I am doomed to dissatisfaction. Happy? Yes. Restless and searching? Yes, too. Hm.

I am half lesbian artist/travel journalist, and half domesticated wife-student. Grr. These things do not fit well together.

They talk all the time in German classes about the exchange trips they're going on, and the other ones offered. Part of being a language major is seeing the places you're studying. The professors have stopped trying to convince me to go on trips, telling me about the scholarships offered and how I might be able to get it all paid for. Cos it's not just about the money, it's about the time spent somewhere else that could be used for making more money, which can in turn be used for the bills and such. I would love to go to Vulda or Bamberg and study there for a summer or semester. But I can't. I have to be here. I have obligations.

My sister's going to China this summer. My parents are going to be touring western Europe. Other people are going to exotic beachy places next week. During all those times, I will be working break-back hours at la taqueria de elkins. Making money. As is my purpose in this world.

Reminds me of what I told John when he asked me if I wanted to go on the hall's NYC trip. I told him I couldn't, I was broke. He said they'd charge it to my student account. I told him that that was all fine and good, but I'd still be broke when I got there. Broke in Motown, broke in NYC... still broke. And probably a lot more pleasant to be broke at home.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not unhappy. Not even depressed for once. Just wishing for a little change of pace, like I could change my circumstances as often as my hair color. That's not the way life works. I just miss some things I've never had, and some I have had. Like being able to seriously out-of-country disappear... that I miss.

And pussy. Damn, I miss pussy. Ha.

Make your life what you want it... that's a good piece of advice, but usually a laughable one. Other people fix it for you too, no matter how hard you try to stay away from them. In my mind's eye, I'm stepping out of the gate with nothing but a backpack and a wide-eyed grin, looking out onto things I've never seen before, and I am glad.

woo boredom.

A big sigh of relief, everybody. All together now, one...two...three...ahhh. Somehow things feel a bit more like they're going to be okay. I'm not entirely sure why; maybe it's the sudden change in the weather.

I found a good test. Yay. Mouse over the colors to see what they mean.

Generous Creator

My Personal Dna Report

Oh, and if you're bored and want to pass judgement (like the almighty whatzit you are) go here.

Back to reading silly Stephen King-iness. He's like Anne Rice on inhalants: kinda dumb and slow but for some reason you just keep coming back knowing you'll be disappointed again. I should make a Masochist's Book List.

Also, as a side note, I think the Blogger word verification thing I use to keep from getting comments like "Loved your site! Come see how to get Vi@grA for free!!!!111eleventyzz" is getting linguistically creative. Here's the word I see: "lugxdruf". Which is an interesting word, despite the x. Come to think of it, x is kind of a useless letter anyway. It looks cool I suppose, but anything it does can just as easily be done with a z (which is cooler, in my humble opinion), or a cks combination. Hmm. Anyway. Back to being disappointed.