Exactly that. Watch your back. And the word of the day is "tahmer."
I am incredibly restless. I need to get my passport renewed desperately, but at the same time it might not be such a good idea, considering that at any given moment I feel like flying to someplace strange and foreign. The only things preventing me are obligations, money... and lack of a valid passport. Damn. There's something wholly awesome about that feeling stepping off an airplane into uncharted territory, with nothing but a few bags and a deep breath. I want that now. Being able to forget everything here, start a brand new life, enter into something strange and new...
It's not like there's anything particularly wrong with this life. It's just that a change is always nice, and my wanderlust is kicking in again rather hardcore. It's been about four years since I've been on a vacation (even within the state), five since I've had sex with a girl, and about two months since sex period. Sex I can do without most of the time, but the wandering... the road always calls me. Sometimes more strongly than other times. I think I'm going to have a hard time settling down and having a normal life. Thank the gods that school things will be over in a year, and I can go somewhere different. Somehow the lifestyles I choose and the ones I crave are wildly contradictory, and I believe I am doomed to dissatisfaction. Happy? Yes. Restless and searching? Yes, too. Hm.
I am half lesbian artist/travel journalist, and half domesticated wife-student. Grr. These things do not fit well together.
They talk all the time in German classes about the exchange trips they're going on, and the other ones offered. Part of being a language major is seeing the places you're studying. The professors have stopped trying to convince me to go on trips, telling me about the scholarships offered and how I might be able to get it all paid for. Cos it's not just about the money, it's about the time spent somewhere else that could be used for making more money, which can in turn be used for the bills and such. I would love to go to Vulda or Bamberg and study there for a summer or semester. But I can't. I have to be here. I have obligations.
My sister's going to China this summer. My parents are going to be touring western Europe. Other people are going to exotic beachy places next week. During all those times, I will be working break-back hours at la taqueria de elkins. Making money. As is my purpose in this world.
Reminds me of what I told John when he asked me if I wanted to go on the hall's NYC trip. I told him I couldn't, I was broke. He said they'd charge it to my student account. I told him that that was all fine and good, but I'd still be broke when I got there. Broke in Motown, broke in NYC... still broke. And probably a lot more pleasant to be broke at home.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not unhappy. Not even depressed for once. Just wishing for a little change of pace, like I could change my circumstances as often as my hair color. That's not the way life works. I just miss some things I've never had, and some I have had. Like being able to seriously out-of-country disappear... that I miss.
And pussy. Damn, I miss pussy. Ha.
Make your life what you want it... that's a good piece of advice, but usually a laughable one. Other people fix it for you too, no matter how hard you try to stay away from them. In my mind's eye, I'm stepping out of the gate with nothing but a backpack and a wide-eyed grin, looking out onto things I've never seen before, and I am glad.
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