childishness

I don't know where my title bar went (for those of you reading this on facebook (like I have tons of readers or something), it was once on my main blog), but I don't feel like investigating. Perhaps the internet copyright monsters ate it or something. It's been gone a while. This is just a place for me to write, so I really don't care overly much.

Sometimes I wonder where childishness goes. I know I'm still not as grown-up and businesslike as many (I still like my toys and my pretty shiny things), but I look back at the past and realize that somewhere along the line something's been lost. Curiosity. Upfrontness. The times when I could walk up to a stranger and ask them a million honest questions about what they were doing and how they got to where they are. I can't say it's because I already know all the answers to them, 'cos I don't. I can assume, and that's usually what I do. I still watch and wonder about people, but I no longer make up stories about them. It seems I've either presumably already figured them out, or don't care overly much. This was one of the things I never wanted to lose. Unfortunately, those sorts of things you usually don't notice leaving, and once they're gone you haven't the slightest idea as to how to get them back.

Sometimes I walk through the halls late at night, enjoying both the silence and the small isolated sounds coming from behind closed doors. Usually I have those sounds figured out: drunk people, people having sex, people drowning out exterior noise as they study. And sometimes I wonder what exactly is going on beyond those doors. I relish the fact that I am so close to so many, and yet am perfectly insulated against anything going on beyond. I like the silence. I like the low, constant drone of it. Even silence sounds like something.

Tonight was good. I'm in a good place right now, hopefully on my way. Is it the right way? Who the fuck really knows? I know that, for once, I'm happy. Content might be the right word. All seems right, and I'm moving along. But sometimes I wonder about what I've lost versus what I've gained, and if it really will equal out in the end. I hope so.

We continue forward, on the path of destiny, but do we always heed its call? Probably not. There's nothing left to do but live.

edit: P.S. crap what is it with those of the Aries and Virgo persuasions? Everyone seems to be either an Aries, a Virgo, or me, and they should stop. Ha. The end.